In the five short days since that call, so many things have happened and I've thought about so much... I've wanted to write but couldn't quell the ADD jag of my thoughts; then I figured, what the hell... so forgive me if this is a little "whompy-jawed"...
In the technological time that is now, it took only a matter of hours for the majority of our graduating class as well as other Cavalier classmembers to find out. Within a day, I had the tentative visitation and burial information and hours after that, I had the concrete plans.
The wonder of it to me was not just that we were able to connect so many people so seamlessly, but that so many people then made it their mission to gather 'round for our fallen classmate and for his wife, another Cav alumnus.
In my 45 years, I've had a lot of anger and hurt over my personal relationships with my parents, each separately and alternately leaving me feeling unloved, unwanted, ignored, inadequate, or incapable of doing anything right.
When I was 15, my mother, who was responsible for the inadequate and incapable stuff, sent me to live with my dad, a man I never really knew prior to about age 14 and who was responsible for the unloved, unwanted, ignored stuff. The first 15 years of my life with my mother and a step-dad who was in textiles, saw us move 9 times in 7 years and before she'd married him we'd been a few places as well...
As a child I'd learned how to put on "the face" and meet people, maturing with adults faster than my peers... but I also learned not to connect with people... if you connect and leave... well... it just hurts... especially if home already hurts...
That said, it was probably the best thing my mother ever did for me. For starters, I didn't really know my dad, so it was like staying at a stranger's home and for the first time in a long time I was kind of on my best behavior... I still got in trouble but not like I had before... and I was surrounded by good kids... the adage my mother'd told me years before coming to fruition in my life... water rises to its own level... and I mostly did...
Living in this stable, if distant, house with my dad, step-mom & brother, and being integrated into this close-knit group of classmates, I learned for the first time what it was to feel some normalcy and security... some freedom... what it was not to be "the mommy" to my mother, what it was not to mother my siblings, what it was to have friends who knew all your bad stuff and good stuff and who had your back and loved you anyway... what it was to do the harmless things kids do and have partners in crime and be a relatively normal teenager for a change...
I learned from my best friend's parents what it is to look at your child's best friend, take them in, and treat them and love them like they're your own (I'll never be able to adequately thank the Davenports or the Nimers for their generosity, love and guidance)...
And in this close-knit group of classmates I learned what it meant to really open my heart to another person and allow their friendship in completely - not to keep everything close to my chest for fear of separation and loss...
In the 31 years since then, life's been up and down... and way down... and I've learned and grown... but the way down times have been so reminiscent of my younger years in some ways that I learned to shut down and hold things close to me again...
And all of that, and a little more, has been on my mind since we lost our classmate and friend Sunday...
He was 44 years old. Now I'd thought about his age from the moment I got the call... it was this abstract idea of "someone my age" is dead and gone... but sitting in the church waiting for the service to begin, it hit me harder than a ton of bricks could've when I saw it in print on the funeral pamphlet. Black and white. Committed to paper. 44. We're babies... we're kids... we're teenagers for Christ's sake, one of us cannot be gone to anything other than a freak accident... certainly not to anything "natural"!
But he is.
And he left behind an amazing family... he's italian... and as so many traditional italian families are, his family is insanely close... close enough that I'd be uncomfortable... but that closeness breeds a love that I think is like pure undiluted concentrate...
And he left behind a wife... the fellow classmate... and two kids, ages 6 and 4...
And as I stood at the funeral home, looking at the sea of matured faces belonging to all those kids I loved way back then - the kids who accepted the new girl, standing beside her when jerks made lewd comments or snarky made-up stories about her reputation were circulated - and I realized as I never had in all those years in between...
This group of kids... this group of mature adults... they were all family... close family... and they'd do anything within their power to stand beside our widow and for our missing man... and they are my family. That's strong stuff for me. Strong!
Now our lost classmate is one of those fellows who, as a friend worded it, never knew a natural enemy. Every comment I heard or read - from family or "just" friends - was about how loving he was, how thoughtful, how sweet... I'd only seen him during one period from the time we graduated until we got together to plan our 20 year class reunion, and that was when we planned our 10 year... but it was like walking into a room to find one of your closest friends and picking up right where you left off... he didn't know a stranger... liked everyone and everyone liked him... sly humor, ready smile, sweet nature, pure spirit... and I think all of that was a direct result of his loving italian parents and family. I think that pure undiluted concentrated love allowed him to, in turn, give the same to his own family and friends... and thinking about that and seeing the overwhelming support of our school family made me see just what I've been missing...
I've closed myself off... shuttered my insides to protect them... it serves me fairly well... but logically I know I'm missing so much warmth and love...
Our fallen classmate found love... but only 7+ short years ago... it was his first marriage... she'd been a year behind us in school and was a pretty girl, very sweet, with big beautiful dark eyes, wavy chocolate hair... but eclipsed in her mind I think by her Cali-girl, blonde haired, cheer leader sister... never fully realizing her own potential and beauty...
And as I watched her at the funeral home doing the creepy-meet widows and widowers have to do, shaking hands, hugging, smiling and giving the "appropriate" and probably nauseating response to "How are you?" a thousand times over when what I think I'd want to do is crawl into bed and not ever come out... my heart broke for her in slow, agonizing motion.
I ached at the thought that she'd had him for such a short time... while at the same time smiling that he'd had that time, shared a love with her, brought children into his/their lives and their love...
And while I felt that ache, I also felt some envy... as a "three time loser", I love love but it doesn't love me back very well and I found myself reviewing some of my mindsets from over the years on that in relation to myownself...
First, after my second marriage collapsed, I swore I'd never fall in love again (trite and cute all at the same time, huh?)... that there was no such thing as "being in love", that monogamy was bullshit and didn't exist.
Then, after the third one burned to the ground and I got some counseling and found my sense of humor, I decided "practice makes perfect" so I'd just keep trying 'til I got it right... I'm nothing, if not dogged after all... ;)
After the collapse of the 5-year thingy a couple of years ago - the most emotionally damaging breakup of a relationship in my entire life, bar none - I found myself back where I'd been as a teen before moving to my dad's... where I found myself after number two and over many of the years since... closing off... protecting... shuttering...
And then my classmate, my friend... this man who is a year younger than me... then he died.
And I've found myself thinking almost non-stop... in five short days, I've suddenly become blazingly cognizant of the moments when I have the opportunity to either open up or keep my cards close... I struggle against the urge to protect...
But I don't want to keep my cards close... I want to relax into the warmth and love of my friends, I want to relax into the warmth and love of that person who has that pure, undiluted concentrate of love that they're not crossing their arms over and protecting...
I have to be fearless... and I have to look for that person who is fearless in return... and in my universe, like my classmate and friend, when I find it, I want to let it in and roll around in it 'til I'm pruney... I want to wallow in that pure undiluted concentrated love that will allow me to, in turn, give the same to those around me...
Like Joey did.
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
