Things suck a little mentally lately...
Relationships and romance are on my mind more than at any other time in my life, I can't decide if it's a natural by-product of being single or just a natural progression of self-awareness that comes with age and that would be what it is regardless of my relationship status, and I can't seem to find an answer to the puzzle...
Either way...
I have two friends, one on each end of the relationship meter, who've really tweaked my pique...
The first is in her 30's, married once and divorced, young son, career, etc. She's a pretty girl and has an extremely outgoing personality. She's "chrome"... high maintenance, flash, likes nice things, not big on introspection and surprisingly (to me, anyway) comes across as somewhat insecure and in need of lots of reassurance.
The other is in her 40's, married almost 20-some years, three almost adult children, career, etc. She's a pretty woman and is subdued in her personality. She's low maintenance, "experienced", not easily ruffled, introspective and intuitive, needs reassurances but also bears a confidence borne of experience.
And despite the different perspectives, both have views of relationships that shock the ever livin' crap outta me...
Like every girl I know, they want lasting love with a sensitive, smart, funny man.
But then...
The 30-ish friend tends towards dismissive, negative objectification (which, holy shit, a teeny sliver of me loves if for no other reason than its rarity) of men who run approximately a decade younger than she does.
The 40-ish friend loves the man she's spent more than half her life with, but tends towards an overall neutral or negative attitude towards him.
30 uses young men like tissues, thinking nothing of "having a good time and then cutting him loose".
40 is content in her life and family but is as happy without hubby around as with, focusing instead on caring for extraneous kids and friends.
Both wonder why they can't achieve happy in their relationships.
Frankly, both perspectives "feel" very lonely when I imagine them and I wonder why anyone would chose to live either way, bemoan it, and not do something to change it. Introspection. Work. Put in some effort.
I mean, if you're negative in your thoughts and actions towards your partner, you're doomed to failure - I can't see any way around that. Am I just naive to think that if you take some time and think back to how you felt when things were new, to the things that attracted you to each other, that you can grab 'hold of that feeling and take steps towards making things better? Am I naive to think that give nice, get nice is the answer? I don't know...
Anyway, both believe in the "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" philosophy if the topic is something that, of course, would get a spouse/s.o. in trouble with their partner.
And herein lies my problem.
A while back I found myself in a position with the fellow I was seeing at the time that, in my opinion, was something I had to tell him about. It was likely to create an "issue" but I felt like I should be honest.
You see, I spent my young life as a liar of the first magnitude (a talent my mother says I inherited from my dad LOL) and would lie about even the simplest things. Problem was, I always seemed to get caught/tripped up/etc. and by my late teens/early 20's, realized it was causing me FAR more problem than if I just laid the truth out. Cause and effect as I try to explain to my son. So I was lucky to learn to suck it up, do the right thing and take it on the chin. Now don't get me wrong - the urge is always there... who doesn't want to avoid upset/hurt if it's possible? It was just that it left me feeling horrible on the inside and it wasn't worth it to me (which is pretty selfish in and of itself).
So... as girls will do, I polled a handful of my girlfriends looking for the support to spill my guts...
I talked it over with 30 and she immediately said "Lie.", and after more conversation wherein I explained more fully how it affected me to lie, she said "I don't care. Lie. He doesn't need to know, to hell with him, it's your life, Honey, who cares what he thinks."
Hmmh.
Ok. Moving on.
I told 40. Her response was "Don't tell him.", and after conversation reiterated "Don't tell him, no need to make him mad or hurt his feelings; he'll never find out.", and after more conversation me explaining how it affected me, she said "Well, maybe you're right but I still wouldn't tell him. I've been through that and it wasn't worth it."
And in the end, none of the girlfriends I talked to were in favor of honesty.
Double hmmh.
Now... in case you're wondering... I told him.
I decided 25 years ago I'd never live my life as a liar again to the extent I could avoid it - and a lie by omission is still a lie - and I just can't imagine that living a life with someone you can't be honest with would be much of a life in terms of connecting. Especially if it's really big, important stuff... and if you're already covering up the little shit... well... you know?
BUT... it really put a pall over the idea of what relationships should be as a whole for me. It explained a lot to me as to why I've been lied to so many times over the years... to avoid hurting my feelings, to avoid making me mad... and more than that... to save the liar the drama. And it made me wonder if my expectations are unrealistic.
Can I ever expect a lover or significant other to be totally honest with me when the chips are falling or are down? Can I expect them to be brutally honest even if it's going to hurt my feelings, make me furious or cut me to the bone?
I would hope so because if I know something I can deal with it and let go... if I'm lied to, there are questions and doubts and it's difficult to deal with and let go... see??
And the thing is... if you can't be honest with a partner about the little stuff or about the bad stuff... what do you really have with them? There is no intimacy because to be honest is to be intimate. And maybe that's why 30 and 40 have the negative, distant outlook on their partners that they do?
I don't know. I just know that in my universe, selfishly, it makes ME feel better inside when I choose not to bullshit, lie, dissemble or omit and I just can't believe there aren't others like me out there...
