Noodle

Got a lotlotLOT on my noodle...  have since October 13.  Well, since before my "Face" post, really, but most especially since the 13th. 

Problem is I want to lay it out here so I can turn and work the puzzle pieces until I can make them fit - I tend to want to force answers, a negative, destructive trait - when I know what I need to do is ignore it and put it behind a closed door where I know it really ultimately belongs - a positive behavior I learned when I finally realized forcing answers was baaaad.

When I was at my lowest and doubting every move I made, every thought I thunk, a friend lent support regularly, telling me, "You're a good woman."

And I knew that.  Despite my self-doubt.  And I know I am.

But faced with mounting information I've learned over days, weeks, months - from places I trust - that makes me scratch my head and keep turning it over and trying to make sense of it as though it's some outer-space junk, landed on my front step, and that is totally unrecognizable to even at the same moment it's familiar, I, as usual, find myself back in the doubt-arena, questioning myself, wondering, in the face of that information if I am truly "a good woman"?

Or whether I'm really black and twisted inside, without conscience, lacking in empathy or even a basic understanding of what's good and right and I just don't know it...?

It baffles me beyond any possibility of wrapping my brain around it.

So I keep thinking and turning and trying to make some sense of my outer-space junk and one of the things I keep coming back to is something that very same friend helped me learn in my universe...  sometimes even the most lovely, aromatic, spectacularly colored flowers  - the ones you want to take home and keep with an intensity that makes you sick with yearning as deep as a junkie's craving for heroin - can make you deathly ill if you even so much as nibble a petal...

So I keep turning my back.  I keep walking away.  I cut every conceivable tie and line.  I deleted every possible scrap I could find.  I walled it all off.

But here I am.

And here I keep thinking.

And walking away.

Have I ever mentioned I'm obsessive.  ;)