Good Woman Found

"I, as usual, find myself back in the doubt-arena, questioning myself, wondering, in the face of that information if I am truly "a good woman"?

Or whether I'm really black and twisted inside, without conscience, lacking in empathy or even a basic understanding of what's good and right and I just don't know it...?"

And, as usual, with a little time and a lot of love from the circle I call Friends, I know the answer.  I'm a good woman.  Not black, twisted, without conscience, non-empathetic or not understanding of good and right.

I do make stupid moves.  Don't always handle things well.  Need to learn to admit when I'm wrong and apologize if I am or if I've caused hurt.

And you know, I do that.

And I know that what you do comes back to you - this is one of the BIGGEST truths I know.

I knew it when I was 20 and my now-ex-husband was a jerk & wouldn't help support his daughter, nor have anything to do with her, stole my car in the middle of the night so I couldn't get to work or take our daughter to the babysitter, and later took up with my best friend within months of our separation.

He has no relationship to speak of now with our daughter and I can tell you exactly who won't be helping change his diapers when he's in need.

I knew it when I was 24 and the guy I was hot and bothered over totally denied any involvement when I found out I was pregnant.

My Friends stood by me and cut him out of their lives.

I knew it when I was fired by my new boss for supposedly calling him in the middle of the night over an on-call issue (which is exactly what I was supposed to do given he's the boss) when I actually hadn't and when HIS boss said the reason for my "departure" was "inappropriate email access" - citing emails between me and a fellow I was crushing on; although just prior to that two of the supervisors in the next department had called me in one day to laugh and comment about a Mediterranean woman's naked/explicitly posed photo circulating the office and weren't fired.  (The new boss was a "women shouldn't work in this field, you should be behind the desk answering phones - I fought tooth and nail for every piece of my job he took away that his predecessor had encouraged me to take on, only to...  well, I already said it...  get fired.)

They were left feeling about THIIIIIS small when I saw them in a restaurant a few months later, sent them drinks and stood back, smiling in neutral good humor, until they came to thank me.  And the department they cut me from?  My boss boozed all night, slept at his desk, ran the department into the ground, and was eventually fired by his boss.  Who later had to admit I'd run things well and tightly and their billing had never been back in the black after I left.

Ultimately, I know I'm a good woman because what's come back to me, and continues to, is the love of people who know who I am and who have warmly and lovingly given me succor in the wake of something that actually touched me more deeply than losing Navy, the fellow I'd loved since I was 15.  They've gathered around me, told me things I never knew that explained a lot of what I was dealing with, and they've encouraged me to leave it behind.

What I know won't come back to me is the loss of family or Friends because we don't see eye to eye; that we will continue to love and be a part of each other's lives because sometimes the web that makes up the population of people in our lives is bigger than tangible things or hurt feelings; that the support and encouragement of people who care what happens to us trumps the smaller stuff.

And I know that while I may be lonely sometimes, I will never be alone...  that there is ALWAYS someone on the other end of the phone I can rely on if I really need a pat on the back or a piggy back ride through the rough stuff...  and I can soooo live with that.

Finally, for those of you who care enough to continue to ask, and respect enough not to push...  I'll get to the rest of the "Ode" eventually.  It's part of me that, while it only bubbles to the surface now and then, I don't want to put to paper while there's even a minute shard of me that wants to be ugly about it.

Because in my universe, while I'm BIG on forgiving, I'm not so great at forgetting...  and sometimes, when you piss me off, my bff-forever-training (and SHE's hell on wheels) kicks in and it's probably best not to be around if it does.

Love each and every one of you few who're here...  that never goes away.