So I wrote a whole blog entry, not too terribly long, and the whole damned thing bollocks'd up and didn't save.
Damn.
Let's try it again and hopefully I can recreate it to some extent...
A couple of things kind of took me off guard today...
I'm 48 years old as of 2 weeks ago. 48!! Wow.
I haven't blogged since May. MAY!! Boo.
And that's about it.
Oh.
And today the bailiffs, upon taking a woman into custody after her trial today and searching her, found a snake in her pocket. A snake. In her pocket. In court.
That's about it. Nothing huge. Just random things that made me go "huh!".
Where I am today kind of caught up with me and made me go "huh!", too.
I'm alone. For a long time. And kind of digging it.
From April to roughly October, I was depressed. Borderline suicidally. Tried to deny it at first, telling myself I'd get better like I always do. I'd work through it. After all, I know what to do. But by the first of June I realized I wasn't pulling out of it. Drinking hard. Crying hard. Cutting off from everyone.
"I'm alone. I have no one who loves me. No one will ever be in love with me. I've never actually had anyone truly in love with me. I'll never find real love..."
The day I realized I was at the point that I could understand people who committ suicide, I realized it was time. I'd been at that point many years ago and not long after I'd felt like that, I'd crossed the line from borderline to full-fledged. So when I realized I understood, I also realized I wasn't coping like I usually can. I wasn't getting better. I was slipping further down.
"I'm alone! SO alone! I have NO one who loves me! NO one will ever be in love with me! I've never had anyone TRULY in love with me! I'll NEVER find REAL love...!!"
There's a reason my mother called me Sarah Burnhardt as a child.
So I got help.
And here I am again.
Alone. For a long time. And kind of digging it.
And much like when I was totally open with Sparky when we talked of seeing other people and me saying I was ok with it for the time being but would eventually not be (that was a HYOOGE thing for me who bottles everything up and rarely tells how I'm feeling about something that personal), I have been very comfortably honest with boys who ask me out - not something I would ordinarily be - and feel totally at ease saying "I'm spending time alone with me right now, I'm not ready to step out at the moment, but thank you for wanting to.", something I would not have been able to do in the past.
And good on me. 'Cause I am a good woman.
So I stand back now and say "huh!" on this dreary, icy, icky day, that my universe is looking pretty good for the first time in a very long time.
Peace.
