Giving Thanks...

So today I'm off to Annapolis, MD, to stay with my mom during her convalescence from her spinal surgery on Monday of this week.

I very much look forward to the visit for the obvious things like the time I'll get to hang and relax with Mom, as well my brother, sister-in-law, niece and sister...

I look forward to it, too, because after my step-dad's death in August, we unearthed TONS of stuff packed away that we hadn't seen in decades, a large chunk of which is contained in a plethora of boxes piled precipitously about Mom's already bursting apartment and we (I, that is) get to continue the process of sifting through it all.

Oh.  And my brother and sister also have a storage space with MORE crap...  um...  I mean family treasures that holds piles of stuff just for meeeee!  :::small eye roll:::  LOL

And as long as I'm looking forward to and praising the potential of this visit while totally compartmentalizing the liklihood that it will actually make us all a little batshit crazy and a lot cranky, I should also say I VERY much look forward to it for the stop I'll make on my way in Leesburg...  Chelsea Outlets to be exact...  because one really must fog up the display windows of the COACH outlet whenever one has the opportunity...

And in preparation for everything the next week and a half offers, I'll offer up a tidbit on the Thanksgiving feast my mother and I will share...

The week before her surgery, we chatted on the phone about the trip and visit details...  and Mom...  who has never been a "foodie", nor eaten well overall, very excitedly informed me, no small amount of awe in her voice, that she had gotten "sliced turkey from the deli for sammiches...  and mashed potatoes... inna tuuuub!" ;) heheh

So while I hang with her during her convalescence, wallowing around in our boxes of memories, drinking good coffee, eating good food (the sibs are foodies, thank God), sharing good wine, and probably popping a Xanax or two...  I want to take a moment to wish all my Friends & Family a very happy & relaxed holiday with your loved ones...  oh...  and lots of mashed a'taytas & gravy. =)

I Walk By Faith...

Sunday's message, "Why I Doubt", at Journey was about doubt and faith...

John 20:29 ~ Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.  (yes, this was Christ talkin' to one Doubting Thomas)


I walk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in You
I walk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in You


Every step I take
Is a step of faith
No weapon formed against me shall prosper
And every prayer I make
Is a prayer of faith
And if my God is for me
Tell me who can be against me?


And it struck me not for the first time that a personal relationship is much the same as a spiritual relationship. 

We haven't seen Him but we trust in God to guide us, protect us, carry us when we're overcome...  we share the good, the bad, and the in-between...

And we...  well, I, anyway...  look for exactly the same thing in a personal relationship...  and as in a spiritual relationship, if we're not so battered from life's storms that we're just not able any more, we take a horrendous leap to have complete faith in someone we can never fully know, hand them our heart and trust blindly they won't man-handle it and leave it bruised and bleeding in the dust...

In my universe, I've had plenty of failure on the personal relationship front...  not because I shouldn't have had the blind faith in my partners that I at least started with, and not because they were bad people...  but because they just didn't have that same view of what a partnership was about that I did...

Cheating...  lying...  stealing...  none of these things fit into the definition of personal partnership...  none of these things fit into the definition a spiritual relationship either...  because each of these things precludes trust and faith... 

Yet knowing this, again and again I've chosen "partners" who've possessed one or all of these personality flaws; knowing all the while these things would never be part of a spiritual relationship - they couldn't be - but tolerating them in my personal partnerships just the same...

Unfortunately, it took until a few years ago for me to figure out that someone with the same view of a partnership that I have is crucial and non-negotiable from the outset - I guess I thought that was something couples came to in the course of life together - and although it's only just recently I've cleared my own slate in that regard, I know now I will continue in a conscious, purposeful, earnest way to try to know myself and make intelligent choices to make that happen in my life...

And I know that in my spiritual and personal relationships I want and need someone I can give undiluted love to and have it returned, I want and need someone I can talk to, lean on, give and receive support from, share with and beat my chest to...  

I know that I want and need that soul who, when I relax and sink down into that downy bed of trust I'm still willing to give and expose that soft, terrified part inside, will NOT bring me to my knees by stomping around on it like they're stomping dandelions but who, instead, will wholly justify that release of doubt...

And I know they're out there.  I have faith...

Fathers be good to your daughters...

and get your heads out of your collective asses and be good to your sons too!  Your children need you.  It doesn't matter how old they are.  They need you. 

THEY.  NEED.  YOU.

YOU are the grown up.  YOU are the one with 'maturity'.  YOU are the one who is to lead by example.  YOU are the one with more life experience.  YOU are the one who teaches them love and compassion and caring.  YOU are the one who shows them the meaning of being the bigger man, of turning the other cheek, of being a decent HUMAN BEING.

My son's father has been a part of his life from the day he was born, through our separation and divorce and through two subsequent wives.  We and all our families have always had birthdays together, shared special occassions in our son's life, been to school events and every other thing a child needs their parents and extended family at or for...  together...

Until 'she' came along. 

Number 3.  And she's a doozy.  A psycho to be precise.  And this comes from someone who liked my ex's former wife VERY much.  And his girlfriends in between, too.  SOMEhow, other than me and the current psycho, he's been VERY fortunate in the partner department and they have all been very nice and have all treated our son so VERY well.

Until 'she' came along. 

The only time in the 15 years we've been divorced that he's ever made me cry was our son's sophomore band camp parents night and guess who was the catalyst? 

I arrived early, waited for them, saw him crossing the sidelines & met him halfway, knowing his new wife and mother-in-law were with him for our son & figuring we'd all sit together like we always had. 

Him, furtive and speaking low...  "Um.  We're sitting over here.  But you probably shouldn't."
Me, stunned...  "Whaa'...  Are you kidding me?"
Him, still furtive, still speaking low (as though her fkn bat ears might pick up what he was saying across half a football field and through the hundreds of parents voices")  "Well.  She won't understand and if we sit together she'll be mad."
WHAT?  You can NOT be serious!
Me, pumped full of un-felt pride and not wanting to make a scene...  "Sure.  Ok.  No problem."

And I took my chair down the field, set it up, sat with parents I didn't know and proceeded to cry silently behind my sunglasses. 

Amusingly enough (after I got my ass up on my shoulders and decided THAT woman was NOT going to change the course of OUR history), I figured I'd kind of 'force' her to talk to me, assuming once the ice was broken she'd be ok...  so I sidled up to her afterwards, killing her with kindness, chatty-Kathy'ing away...  until I realized she was not at ALL like the ex's 'good' ex-wife, that she was, in fact, quite a nasty piece of business...  and that her mother, who she reportedly described as 'a bitch' and 'certifiably crazy', was quite charming and friendly...  and I thoroughly enjoyed her company that evening. 

I win.  ;)

But it's not all her...  he, frankly, is an issue in and of himself.  He was adopted.  He'll be the first one to tell you that, usually in the first days or weeks of knowing him.  He's got insecurities as we all do but his run more deeply ingrained than most, I think.  He's always had a thing for exotic pets and a plethora of 'cool' hobbies...  cockatiel, McCaw, iguana, greyhound, ferret, fly fishing, canoeing, semi-pro photography, film developing, tae-kwon-do, etc.  And near as I can translate, it has to do with the insecurity of adoption.  If he has lots of cool things and hobbies, you'll like him.  Long hair, cool, you'll like him.  Leather trench, motorcycle, fly-tying, cool, cool, cool, you'll like, like, like him.  And to cap it off, he has a tendancy to tell you ALL about his cool things and hobbies...  how great HE is...  because I think he's genuinely afraid if he doesn't, you won't see it.  You won't know.  And the hell of it is...  he IS a great guy...  smart, funny, great heart...  do anything for you if he can... 

But the flip side...

he's extremely intolerant of anyone telling him much of anything...

and this extends to the topic of his son (his son who is A #1 first in his dad's book as long as his dad's single but who becomes transparent and/or second-shelf when his dad has female companionship), though amusingly enough he'll unabashadly tell me what he thinks I'm doing wrong in my relationship with our son and I'm supposed to be open and receptive...

Uh huh...

So anyway, back to 'He has been a part of his son's life...'...  until almost 7 months ago when, because of work, he had to move to Florida.  Our son went down to visit with his dad on summer school break for 3 weeks shortly after he moved there... 

And in the interim, his dad's been great about phone contact and has flown in for a couple of really important occassions for our son... 

BUT...

Each time he's come in, he's spent MINUTES with our son and then gone off and been totally off grid (our son can't even get him to answer his cell) for the duration of his visit while he tries for the millionth time to mend fences with his on-again, off-again wife...  the psycho...  and the hell of THAT is he has told me the same stories again and again and again and AGAIN since he first started dating her...  bad stories that have necessitated their repeated separations because she has shoved the two of them into Jerry Springer-style show downs and situations. 

And my son has been involved in some of these...  including one where she cornered him in his own bedroom and screamed at him about what her opinion was of his father and how it related to the business portion of a derriere...

Now all this background is to get us to...

My son's dad is moving back from Florida...  on the road right now...  our son has seen him for all of 30 minutes total since July...  and my son called me a little while ago to say he'd talked to his dad and wouldn't be spending any time this week with him like he'd hoped...  that his dad would be staying with the psycho (my word, not my son's)...  that his dad said he would see if our son could come to the psycho's house (which is HIS house too!) a little (a LITTLE?!) this week...  and before my son could get the words out of his mouth that he did eventually utter, I told him...

No.  He would not be doing that.  I could hear it in his voice.  I could hear the pain and the hurt in my son's voice that his dad was prioritizing this woman AGAIN.  Yes.  She is his wife.  Yes.  They are trying to work things out.  Yes, our son will eventually have to try to be a part of that family if his father and this batshit woman work things out...

But REALLY?  You can't spend an hour and take your son to dinner and hug him and tell him you damned well missed him the last 7 months and do it alone because to be around this psycho who has caused you so much trouble and upset makes my son, in turn, troubled and upset and uncomfortable...?  You can't allow this 17 year old CHILD some time to work back into trying to develop a relationship with this crazed bitch since she's acted in such a rabidly insane way in front of this child that even HE, AS a child, knew it wasn't rational??

No.

He can't.

I told my son not to worry.  He would have to be honest with his dad and tell him how he felt...  that it wasn't that he didn't want his dad to spend time with his wife...  but that he wanted just a little time, just the two of them...  and he didn't care to stay at 'her' house...  yet...  that he didn't feel comfortable after all the show downs and screaming and ugliness and the on-again, off-again between his father and 'her'...  I told him he had to be honest but not to worry, his dad would understand.

I clearly gave his father too much credit.  =-/

I did what I was supposed to.  I supported my ex- to his son as I should.

But the response I got when I called him to tell him how his son was feeling, how his flesh and blood was hurting and feeling...  what I got was NOT what it should have been...

In his 'defense', he's been on the go since Thursday nearly non-stop trying to get packed and ready to come back to Virginia...  and he's been on the road last night and today non-stop from Florida...  so I KNOW he's exhausted and I KNOW him well enough to know what an ASS he is when he's like that...  so I spoke gently and I spoke with as much understanding and compassion as ANYONE would be capable of...  even going so far, when he started showing his ass, as to say "I know you're tired and I know this isn't hitting you well but I need you to hear my tone of voice and hear what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and what I'm trying to tell you about your son...   you KNOW I'm not trying to pick a fight..."...  and he held steady for another 30 seconds... 

But then he teetered straight off the edge of reasonable and I heard things like "He and everyone else is just going to have to understand that I did NOT move back to Virginia to make a choice between two people (I'm sorry, is there a fkn choice to be MADE when it comes to your flesh and blood?!!)", "HE is just going to have to understand that I am NOT moving back to my mother's and I cannot afford an apartment just to [accomodate] him..." (Really??  Who the hell asked you to MOVE to your mother's OR get an apartment, I just told you he wanted to spend an hour or two with you, just you and him, ya jerk; go to crack-haven DENNY's for crap sake!!)...  I lost what restraint I had...

This is your son...  you were devastated when you lost your own father...  this psycho HOSE-BEAST has done nothing but made your life MISERABLE for the last THREE YEARS...  and you can't take an hour and take your son to dinner or to hang out with your mother who also hasn't seen you in almost 7 months?

I said, simply, though with plenty of rancor, I know...  "Spend time with your son or don't.  I don't know what else to say.", and I hung up.

I immediately got a text that said "If your going to speak then hang up guess I don't have reason to answer." Really?  Then why are you?  (And isn't THAT rich when you get ticked off, yell and hang up on ME R-E-G-U-L-A-R-L-Y?!)

Against my better judgment, I responded...  "U have no compassion for u'r own son wanting to see u for an hr or so after he's been WITHOUT U for over SIX MONTHS for the 1st time in his LIFE.  U can't or won't see his hurt.  What is there to say?  I got it.  Now quit texting & drive..."

And in the time since I spoke with and responded to him, I've turned it over in my head trying to see all sides...  maybe I should've waited until he got home and had rested...  maybe I shouldn't be so protective, instead allowing the two of them to work out their differences...  maybe I should insist that my son spend time with the psycho hose-bitch if he wants to spend time with his dad...  maybe I should understand that his father believes he should put 'her' ahead of our son and it's not up to me to question his priorities...

But what I keep coming to is this...

In my universe, a child is a child.  No matter how old they are.  And as the adult, the parent, the one with the world experience... 

as the grownup, it doesn't matter how tired you are when your child's hurting, YOU are the one who needs to suck it up and have some compassion... 

as the grownup, it's my JOB to protect my children and to try to help YOU see things they may not want to tell you, same as you should for me, and YOU should be the one to lead trying to work out the issue... 

as the grownup, I will NOT insist that my son spend time with the evil one who's name shall not be mentioned because SHE is the one who's 'acted badly' and it's not up to HIM to make amends or to try to get along when SHE has been openly hostile and juvenile to my son about his OWN FATHER... 

and last... 

as the grownup...  I think since your son is the one you're going to need changing your diapers when you're too old to do it yourself so MAYBE you should put HIM ahead of Cruella once in a while...

I haven't responded any more.  There's no need.  He will make or break his own relationship with our son and, in my universe, I will simply continue to try to be a good parent, listen to, protect, love, apologize to when I'm wrong, and be happy with my son.

FOOTNOTE:  Michael's dad called me last night to tell me about his first day on his new job.  We were both more calm and I apologized.  Not for what I said.  But for my timing.  For being perhaps over-protective and feeling as though I had to bring it up to him right away rather than waiting until he'd gotten home and settled and had some time to rest.

And we talked.  He has valid points, some of which I'd rolled around when this happened...  that forgiveness is the point of the day with him and the troll...  that they are trying to work things out and my son will have to be a part of that...  that they all need counseling to learn how to live together... 

But I did have to choke back a response when he said 'she' had told him she had to learn how to welcome my son to the 'family' and learn to integrate him...  wth?!!  My son is SO easy-going and friendly...  you have to LEARN how to be an adult and welcome a child into the family he's already a part of by virtue of BIRTH?!...  do you have to 'learn' how to integrate and welcome the spoiled-brat of a girl you gave birth to (and don't get me wrong, I know it's not the child's fault she's been raised by a wolf)?

But it's not my family, it's not my life nor is it my job to try to control any of that...  my job is simply to be there for my son.  The end.  =)