The Amazing Kreskin...

Communication.

Not a day in our lives we don't use it...  and despite a wealth of practice...

the majority of us suck at it!

Prime example...

A couple of months after our protracted break up, Navy, the 5 year, got really pissed at me...  the cause?  The conclusion of our protracted break up saw him moving out of the home we'd shared for 4 1/2 of 5 years, telling me he didn't know what he wanted and saying he just needed more time to figure things out.

More time than the two plus months he'd already been hemming and hawing...  more time on top of the SIX months prior to that he'd evidently already been "thinking about it"... 

At which point I found myself explaining it was utterly selfish, self-centered, and absolutely not ok to keep me on hold until he could "figure out what he wanted" and that the time had come to essentially shit or get off the pot...

To which he replied, and I quote, "Ok.  We are officially and permanently broken up then." (funny how thing like that burn into your brain for eternity, huh?)

Sooo...  a few weeks later, with Navy still in contact and no lasting nastiness between us once the breakup dam had broken, I started going out with a fellow who's the brother of a friend...

A couple of weeks later, the brother and I are out and Navy texts...  my response evidently makes clear I'm distracted or not giving my undivided attention so Navy asks if I'm out with someone...

"Yes," I said, "what're you doing?"...

Silence...

Until the next day...

At which point he totally whigs out, proceeding, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, to tell me he didn't think we were really broken up...

Flaming bat-balls, Batman, are you SERIOUS?!

But...  um...  but you saaaid... "We are officially and permanently broken up."

"Yeauh, but I thought were we were still exclusive since we were doing stuff..."

Whaa...?!  We don't talk on the phone, we don't go out to movies or dinners, we don't visit each other's homes...  we do nothing together outside what we do together with our families (our folks are old family friends).  WHAT, in the name of all that's holy, would give you the idea that we are anything other than exactly what you said?!

"Well, because I figured you knew I didn't really mean it."

Now I know there was more than one issue there - the biggest being that Navy-dog just didn't want any other dogs peeing on his tree so he freaked a little when one came sniffing...

But the more problematic issue - encountered not just with partners but with kids, friends, co-workers, etc. - is this...  why are we SO often sure that the people around us can "tell" what we mean, what we're thinking, what our intentions are?  Why are we so positive of that in the face of so much misunderstanding?!

Lord knows I've been guilty of it and still am from time to time...  but after my previously blogged about trip to the bottom I was in some excellent talk therapy/counseling and one of the topics we of course covered was communication...

I came from the school of we've-known/been-together-a-long-time-and-shared-some-pretty-deep-shit, why should I have to spell things out?  

Doc Edgar's position:  Because if you don't, they simply won't know because they are not mind readers, not clairvoyant...  the end.

=-/

Now if you know me, you know I argued mightily against this concept with the theory that if, for instance, you've known me for 30 years, been in more trouble with me than Butch & Sundance got into together, we've held each other's hands through the best and worst life has to offer...  well then you damned well know who I am and how I think.  Unless you're a moron.  In which case, I'd've cut you loose long before the 30 year mark.  Right?

But in the end, Doc E prevailed...  mostly because I eventually realized how often I don't aaaaactually read minds very well myself...  ;)

So I learned to tell the people in my circle the things, however elementary, I want to be sure they know/understand...

And here's where I run into my first problem...

If I've learned to tell people what I need them to know, but they haven't learned that same thing, they often don't recognize what I'm doing so there's still an issue...

"I have to go pick up XYZ, since we're supposed to be at your mom's in 45 and this will take me about an hour and a half, why don't I meet you there?"

"No, no, I'll wait so we can go together, it won't take that long."

"Ok, but I really think it'll be about an hour and a half."

"I'll wait."

"Ok."

An hour and a half later I'm back...  and guess what?

The other party's pissed because it didn't take the 45 minutes they thought it should despite the fact I saaaaaaid...

And then argument ensues because they didn't "hear" me...  they listened, but didn't hear.

Communication.

A secondary problem with this basic concept comes in because of what I think's the difference between men and women...

When I tell the women in my circle the things I want to make sure I'm clear about, they're appreciative and often reciprocate with equally open communication and very little ambiguity and everyone's pretty happy.  Win, win.

When I tell the men in my circle the things I want to make sure I'm clear about, they have often acknowledged absently and then when something goes wrong or is misunderstood... we find out they didn't really listen, understand, or ask questions...  or they were just convinced I was wrong...  and they get defensive and/or angry.

Wait...

What?

Is it the genetic code we're all hard-wired with?  Do women respond to me being clear and open because we are sewing-circle talkers, fixers... we "hear" and solve the problems of the world verbally because we're wired that way and throughout history have moved in social, reciprocally supportive groups?  

While men, with their autonomous caveman/warrior genetic codes are predisposed to simply beat a problem into submission, wasting very little thought or verbiage on it aside from some grunts of exertion...?  Do they respond in the vaguest of ways because they are either unable or unwilling to "hear"?

And when there's a breakdown, why does the communication not then kick in so the parties can sort through the muck...?  More mind reading?

Regardless, I slowly unlearned communication during my 5 years with Navy...  plodding through the days and weeks learning to again bottle up the things I thought or felt because when I was open and communicated, even about the simplest things, there always seemed to be a criticism or put down when an issue arose...  criticisms and negativity, usually quickly followed by admonitions that I should've known...  then vicious arguments to drive the point home, laying "fault" squarely on my doorstep to the point that even I began to believe I was the problem because I didn't "just know"...

Aversion therapy, isn't that what they call it?

Lemme tell ya, it worked...  recently I had a small snafu where communication got tangled, things didn't go as planned, there was momentary unhappiness and in response I felt myself - instead of communicating to untangle - automatically backing away, shutting down & closing up like a steel door was swinging shut...  it felt like a physical struggle to keep it from happening...

Aversion therapy to communication:  the people you care for or love tell you you're wrong often enough and/or give you enough negative response about the things you communicate, you quit communicating...  and in Navy's case, the other party wasn't communicating but expected me to "know" anyway and when I didn't...  well...

Anyway...  recognizing these things, and recognizing that I've unlearned what I knew about it, I've been trying to learn to communicate again over the last couple of years since we parted, however simple the subject...  

And it's slow...  and sometimes simple misunderstandings happen...

And sometimes, the aversion therapy genre makes an appearance and I am momentarily crippled and I find myself clamming up tighter than a mashed bull's ass...

But I have to communicate...

However simple...

Whatever the reaction when it breaks down...

And I know I have to because I know that even if communication doesn't always flow in, it's up to me to make the effort to make it flow out  and not expect those in my universe to be mind readers or clairvoyants...