It took me until I was 46 years old. And amusingly enough, it really WAS what I'd used as my excuse all those years.
Mind over matter.
I quit smoking.
August 3, 2011.
I
started when I was 15. SOLELY to fit in. The cool girl, Louise, crazy
beautiful dark read hair, teeny tiny waist, and a pear shaped bottom that all the boys
loved to see encased in red tab Levis, smoked - as did other hoodlums I
was running around with then - and if cool girl Louise was going to
smoke and offer me a Marlboro Red, then by-God, I was gonna take it and smoke it just like the big dogs... I'd fit right in
then, right?
I still distinctly remember thinking "Oh dear God, this shit HURTS!" when the first drag I inhaled made its rough brick way down my throat... and yet I still kept at it. George Carlin was right, we should age backwards... God, what great sense it would make that we should know more as kids and less as adults!
Anyway... I'd been participating in Boot Camp Challenge (I'm now proud to say that after months of grueling and overwhelming studying and final testing, I'm a certified personal trainer and certified BCC trainer and run morning and evening boot camps as well as my "day job") since April 2011 and one morning, running the quad, I thought, "Why the hell am I doing this to myself?"
You see, I'd been told a decade earlier while in the throes of a bout of pneumonia that I had the beginnings of emphysema but that since I smoked so little it'd be fine if I quit because while our lungs will never repair the damage done, they will stretch to accommodate. What does that mean for someone like me? It means the QUEEN of fooling herself will "quit" and then when she feels "stressed", or is out with friends for drinks, or it's Tuesday... she will think, "I don't smoke much, it's ok."
I swear I'm not that stupid, folks.
Anyway, there I was, running the quad, and not really having a horrible time of it but still feeling like I was struggling 4 months after I'd begun BCC and my endurance was higher than it's maybe ever been and I thought, "Why am I doing this to myself... I could have so much MORE endurance."
And that was it. I haven't touched another one since.
I've wanted to a couple of times. Even dreamed about it once a couple of months ago when my granddad died and I wanted to curl up and never get back up. But I was done with it.
And that's where the smoke comes in rather than leaving.
Everything's a game. I don't care HOW enlightened you are, how smart you are, how much you DON'T "play the game". You still play the game.
She isn't calling and she's spending too much time with her friends out drinking? I'll post a pic on FB of me with a group hugging a hottie.
He hasn't said he's sorry that he got too drunk and pissed in mom's potted plant? I'll cut him off until he does.
I said something really shitty to her in a fight and she told me to get out, I won't call for days and let her make the first move since I'm pissed she called me on my shit.
I was really crappy to him at my mother's because my mother was being a bitch and I felt 12 years old again but he should say he's sorry because he got tired of MY shit and went home rather than stay over; I'm going to disappear and he can just come find me.
I've heard ALL of these before, and more, from men and women friends. No one's immune. No one DOESN'T play a game of some sort.
Maybe you've been walked on before so you pony up balls to the next guy even though he's been nothing but nice just to prove you can't be walked on again... maybe your last 3 girlfriend's cheated on you so you cheat on your new one to "beat her to the punch". You don't have to be conscious of the game to play it.
So.
This all hits me when I get a text from 30. You remember her - "Aahh, fuck'im, what he doesn't know won't hurt him!" from the I-could-tell-him-a-lie-but-I-don't-want-to-be-that-person blog - saying the guy she's been seeing for a month has totally backed away and what should she do?
Now let me say that she's in a very different place now than she was. She's still very looks-oriented... Regular Joe with a paunch? Hells to the no. Tyson Beckford? Even if he were a flaming user-asshole? With fucking BELLS on.
But before it was the younger the better, the more committment-phobe the better - the goal was no attachments, take me out in $tyle and $pend to make things happen, wanna sleep over? Time to get out!
Now, she's been single for about 8 years and her priorities have finally changed. Now she's looking for that relationship. That bond. That trust. That closeness. That knowledge that someone will catch her when she falls and she'll do anything to catch them when they fall if she can.
Now THAT is a girl I can hang with.
So fine... she's met a guy, Single Dad, with two boys her boys' age, they've been going out for about a month and she got butt-hurt about something he jokingly said about her being allowed to flirt with one guy at the holiday parade and she just had to bring him a picture so he'd know whether to be jealous. She totally focuses on the idea that he doesn't like her like she likes him and why not and what did she do and how come and what can she do to make it better and why doesn't he like her like that...
ALL through text. Now I'll confess I'm a serial texter... but NOT for serious shit like this. SOOO much gets lost and we ALL damned well know that! But she texts him all of this. Bombards him.
So what's Single Dad do? Shuts down. She's coming across desperate and clingy and he's just inked his divorce papers and only a year separated, is NOT ready for that yet.
So yesterday I get the text from 30 that, despite my counseling to give him some breathing room, she wonders if she should text him and tell him she misses him?
ARRRGH!! What?! I already saiiiiid...
::sigh::
"No. Silence. Put the phone down. He needs to miss YOU."
"Oh fuck, they never do!"
"I mean it. Never forget, you are amazing. If they don't, then they're not the right one."
"But sometimes they need to know they're missed - right? What if he just needs to hear it? What if I need to show I'm the right one?"
Shit. Seriously. She's pretty and smart and funny, has a good job, nice car, her own home, she's thin, has beautiful clothes... seriously, she has it ALL... how in GOD's name can she be THAT insecure about herself.
::sigh::
"You already know that answer. You've shown him how you feel, and told him."
"True. Ok. I won't. Little Boy and I will be watching the Salem parade at the office Friday night if you're around."
"Sounds good"
8 hours later she texts again...
"So I deleted SD's number today so I wouldn't be tempted and he just texted me and said he misses me!! :)"
"Not as dumb as I look."
Only I AM dumb as I look. Two years ago I'd've been dangling from the same damned string. But I had the dumb luck to lean on someone who walked me through unscathed. Well. Almost unscathed; Navy left a few scars. :) But they gave me superb advice and they repeatedly told me I was a good woman and had more value than I was giving myself credit for.
All I did was turn that towards 30.
And I gave her the advice I was given, too...
"Ok. Since he said he missed me... and I told him I missed him... can I ask him out??? Or see if I'll see him again??"
"Nope. Silence. You told him you miss him. He needs to make the next move. He backed away because he felt pressured. Let him come back to you now."
Same advice I was given two years ago. And it was spot on. "Silence. It will kill them. They'll show up at your door, I swear." They need the space but it will kill them and they'll show up at your door. Maybe not literally, but they will.
Yep. spot on. And I passed the game right along to her.
Now the thing is - though I see that kind of maneuver as a game, it's reality and non-game, too. She was bombarding him and he was spooked and he needed the space. Like a startled cat, he came back slowly, checking the room for barking dogs.
Today I get the text that starts me thinking of The Game again...
"Single Dad asked to see me again. :) You rock!!! xoxoxox"
Yep.
"Unfortunately, I had a very good teacher. Maybe I'll tell you about it some time."
She "wins", I helped a friend, she's maybe gotten a little self-confidence boost from it...
Match, set, game.
So how does 16 months of non-smoking combine with that to bring me to Smoke, Irony, No Mirrors...
Well...
All games aside; it's a mindset. Like quitting ciggies. Decide there won't be mirrors. Speak what's in your heart and don't be afraid to.
If you can't trust the person on the other end to understand then you need to take a look at one of you.
Either yourself for being too afraid to speak. Or them if your words would change their perception of you.
I've been too afraid to speak so many times in my life and only a few times have I not regretted it. More often, I've lived with the knowlege that had I, things would have been better.
So I give. Uncle. I don't want to be afraid to speak any more. I've lost too much in this life because I have been.
Because I've learned in my universe that submission, in many arenas, is a far better thing than pride and much more rewarding. No smoke. No mirrors.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Signs, Signs, Breaking My Mind
Signs. I don't believe in random, gotta-stretch-and-turn-your-head-sideways-to-see-it signs... but when life puts something in your path repeatedly, it's a sign.
Mine was Lenny. Well... and Sparky, too, in a way.
But first, Lenny. First time I saw Lenny was in a grocery store. My reaction when I saw him was so visceral I literally turned on my heel mid-step and walked the other way to keep from saying anything I might regret. Not regret in terms of saying what needed to be said to him, but regret in myself for letting it out and not just walking away and being a bigger, better person.
Next, a couple of weeks later, a new restaurant. That one was easy, it was Friday night, I was meeting a group, plenty of other things to concentrate on.
Less than a week later, another restaurant at lunch. Again, meeting a girlfriend so other things to distract. NP.
Last. And fatal. I walk into a little bar down the road from my apartment the other week to meet another galpal and there he sat. Alone at a table. Facing the door. Looking right at me. That was the straw. The other 3 places were in his stomping grounds and so perhaps not unusual - though I hadn't seen him since the atomic blast that was Sparky, so mayBE unusual - but this last place... well... it's not in his stomping grounds, it's in mine and so many sightings in just a few weeks...
Oh. And Sparky? Well, during the "Time of Lenny Sightings", I got two random emails from Sparky. And right off the bat, it set my pulse into overdrive. I was SO hopeful when I saw that special blue colored "sparky mcphee" name in my in-box. Unfortunately, they were spammy bullshit emails where he'd been trolling something that virused him and sent them. Fail.
Anyway...
I never finished Ode to Your Face because I finally realized I just didn't want to. I started it so I could purge the hurt, confusion, anger, rawness I felt after being napalmed by Sparky. I think I originally probably intended to torch him the way he had me. But the longer I put it off, the less important it felt. The longer it went unaddressed, the less I felt like I needed to. Acceptance? Kind of. And, frankly, I kind of came back around to the mantra that's helped me stay out of clinical depression, lo these last 13 years... I just didn't want to take ME to that negative place... I didn't want to make ME feel shitty and used and stupid and let all that negative energy take me to a place where I lashed out and let it make me feel bad inside.
So I left it.
Then signs.
So here I am.
And here I go. Only now, it's from a very different place.
Sparky and Little Man - after a year of Sparky being such a solid, special, good person to me and coming to feel like he was maybe in my top 2 best friend category (because so far, LDD's always held number one since I've never found that partner who could usurp her) for all the support and guidance and friendship he'd given me since Navy's chaotic, destructive departure, the continued fallout from that, etc. - had come to be so very special to me and I started building my weekends around them whenever Sparky came to town.
Despite the crushing beginning to that New Year when I thought I'd die and would never, ever, EVER recover (my mother used to call me Sarah Bernhardt... I still say I'm not a drama queen. ::ahem:: LOL), went by quickly and quite contentedly.
And then things began to change...
I had always found Sparky attractive; his less-than-youthful physique never bothered me - it was his mind, his spirit... his eyes. LOL! AH-mazing eyes. :) Anyway, I'd always had those "what if" thoughts, even when I was WITH the man I thought was the love of my life. I guess we all do sometimes. But working with him over the months planning our high school alumni party... Facebook chatting... and finally, dancing with him at the party... it always flitted through... what if.
Well... I guess things took a natural progression... what do they call that phenomenon where you feel romantically for someone who's your care-giver...? Whatever the reverse of the Florence Nightingale syndrome is... that's it... I really started to feel very differently about Sparky. I adored spending time with him and Little Man. Just hanging out, watching movies, eating, talking, drinking, spending time... I struggled for some time to find the word to describe how I felt and it came to me as I was blogging Ode to Your Face, Part I... content.
I was, for the very FIRST time in my life, utterly content with where I was and who I was with. I didn't feel a restless need to "have a talk" because I was unhappy or to walk away because I was miserable. Both things I've felt in literally EVERY relationship I've ever had. It was new and amazing and... and now I'm tearing up because I'm mentally wallowing in that feeling's remembrance... new, amazing, and I was deep-down happy for the first time in my life with someone who seemed to have "partner potential". Starting as friends and building? Like the experts and the party of "they", I highly recommend it.
Anyway, a few months after Navy took his departure, I'd started seeing another fellow I'd/we'd gone to school with. He and I even went and spent time with Sparky and Little Man July 4th of that summer. But things with us were progressively getting worse - I found myself feeling unimportant, forgotten, "convenient". So that January, I broke it off.
To be frank, Sparky was a part of that. It wasn't that he was overly attentive or there was some torrid affair going on... it started with a very innocent sleep over. I'd gone to the boat to hang with Sparky and Little Man, we'd had drinks, watched an old movie I'd never watched because I thought it would be too corny (Goodbye Girl - which I totally loved), and it got late and I was tired. Sparky took my hand, took me back to the bedroom, and we lay down and he curled up behind me and we spooned all night, fully clothed, and I slept like a baby feeling more protected and safe than I ever had in my whole life. And though he was a wonderful, good man, it was then I realized then how very dissatisfied and unhappy I was with The Ex. That was December.
Sooooo, Sparky and I carried on together from winter through spring and I was just damned giddy - happier and lighter of spirit than I ever remember being. A lot of first-time-ever's with Sparky. I'll always be grateful for that.
He was seeing people in WV, I was seeing people here, we were seeing each other the couple of times a month he was in. And I told him... this is good... until it isn't. I knew, KNEW, there would come a time when I was attached enough that I wouldn't want either of us seeing other people... and I was right. And being a grown up having been through enough casual relationships, relationships where one is more into it than the other, relationships where the boy was a boy and what was love to me was fucking around to him... I knew that time would come that I'd feel like that and - again with Sparky and a first - for the first time in my life, I wasn't going to be a pussy about speaking up... Sparky gave me that freedom solely from being who he was... with him I was unafraid to speak candidly, and so, for the first time to speak up and say something difficult even when I want to be easy to get along with and not rock the boat was liberating... I was unafraid to say I knew things would probably change and that for that moment I was fine with how casual we were - until emotion got too intense and I wouldn't be.
In the meantime - a very incidental side-bar, though he said otherwise at the time - Sparky was on the scent of getting a child support reduction for his daughter who was set to graduate high school. Since I work for a judge and attorneys do "favors" for us all the time, I set him up with a very good, very respected local attorney who, when his secretary quit, I did all the follow up and file/pleadings chasing for that was required, just so this would be fast tracked for Sparky. Oh. And he did it for Sparky for free.
Fast forward to June. Sparky's child support reduction hearing is set to be heard in juvenile court. We're spending time together while also dating in our respective home areas (even having a conversation one night about how a patient of his had asked for his number to give her daughter and how he'd hesitated but given it to her and "we'll see". I'm listening to this tidbit, wobbling on the line of trying to be "grown up" and realistic and not be white-hot jealous but figure at 3 hours between us, I had to suck it up.
And then it all hits at once.
The Ex gets in contact. Texting at odd times like when I'm on the boat with Sparky. Facebook "Like"ing things. And it bothered me. You see... it's like this...
I can't stand it when people say things they don't mean. If you don't mean it, just shut the fuck up and don't SAY it. Not EVERYthing requires verbal spew.
When I broke it off, it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped...
It was my FIRST time ever breaking up with someone... EVER... and like telling Sparky I was ok for the moment with how we were hanging, I wanted to be grown up, not be a pussy and soft pedal. So I was firm and explained what my problems with us were and said I loved him, which I do, and that I didn't want to walk away angry or lose touch - we were friends first. I thought. But his response was to say he "couldn't have contact" with me any more... he had to "cut off any contact" because it was too hard...
So he gets in ACTUAL contact, texting, we have polite conversation, and he says he'd like to see me, he'd like to talk. Ok. Lets. A direct by-product of having a mother who accused me of anything and everything whether it made sense or not, and punished me accordingly (my step-dad later admitted, long after their divorce, that he abhorred the way she treated me... hinted that it wasn't entirely rational...), is that I can not STAND it when someone misunderstands me or thinks badly of me. I try to please to the point of detriment to myself... a habit I struggle with always. So yes, let's talk.
We get together on a Friday, we go to an after-5 city held "party" to have a few beers, talk, hang... and I see Lenny. Recently back in touch because of the alumni party and Sparky, I race over, give him a big hug and say hi. The Ex in tow. No reason not to if Sparky and I are both seeing other people while we see each other, especially if this wasn't really a "date"...
Except perhaps there was.
You see that's when it officially "all hit at once"...
I had plans to spend the weekend at the boat with Sparky and Little Man the following weekend... Sparky's child support hearing was set for Monday...
The Ex and I go on our way that night, I go home, talk to Sparky on the phone the next day, go to work Monday and *WHAM*!!
I get a phone call from Sparky, positively apoplectic... the attorney had called him at work in WV, at the hospital, in the depths of the nuclear med department, cell reception was shit... told him the child support wasn't going to be as low as he wanted but the rest of the conversation was lost to cell fuzz...
Sparky sounds far too angry for that to be all the problem... attorneys wrangle this stuff outside courtrooms all the time and the attorney I got him was far and away in a higher league than his ex's (NOT the case the FIRST time he went to court with her and was reamed)... but I know he's frustrated and feeling used and financially nuked so I try to soothe him and tell him it's ok, the attorney will make things happen.
And then it happens...
Sparky literally goes from restrained anger to absolute spittle flying, vein popping, incoherent RAGE in .02 seconds...
And then the call drops.
I call back. Voice mail.
I won't bore any further than I already have but I'll say that I called repeatedly. Emailed incessantly. Begged, pleaded, cajoled, reasoned. All to voice mail. I email back and forth with the attorney who says Sparky didn't show (which he said he wouldn't in his meltdown) but that if Sparky will get in touch with him, he'll make it happen - the ex-wife didn't seem to give a shit about the money, she was more pissed that he hauled her to court and then didn't show.
Now the story I'd gotten all along was Sparky said he paid $1K for the two kids and that when he'd switched jobs and his income was reduced he'd never asked for a reduction because he didn't want to take it from the kids. He never had two nickels to rub together and he told stories of poverty living to get by just so the kids were taken care of. At that point, he figured it was finally time for some relief since if one graduates then support should be half... but he REALLY wanted less than that since insurance, he felt, should be figured differently... so there we were.
A few hours after his atomic blast, I get a call that my son has been involved in a car wreck that involved the vehicle he was in, and a CINDER BLOCK WALL HEAD ON.
Now I'm a wreck. I press on. I'm beside myself. I know Sparky's upset, but the figures he's provided the attorney don't match his payroll records so all the attorney needs is something that shows the lower amount Sparky reported... I call repeatedly telling him to get the proof to him so he can fix it.
Guess what? None existed.
Sparky flatly refused any communication from that time on. No matter how much I apologized, begged, pleaded, or cajoled. Ignored it when I finally got pissed because he put up a snarky blog saying it was all because of the attorney and how I'd fucked him over setting him up WITH that attorney. Ignored it when I spent the anger and returned to apology for hurting him.
And now I'll, far too late, cut to the chase...
These are the things I've figured out in retrospect.
Initially, I suspected Lenny had burned up the phone to Sparky about seeing The Ex and I but when he went nuclear and blamed it all on the attorney, I doubted myself... no one ever knows what will make someone that angry, reasonable or not. But every time I doubt myself in a relationship, I ALWAYS find out I'm right...
This time is no exception. This is what I've finally surmised after a lot of facts and information coming to light over the last year and a half...
Sparky was bullshitting me when he said he'd been out on dates since we'd been spending time in flagrante delicto. He was bullshitting me when he said the woman had asked for his number to give her daughter. He was bullshitting me when he said he had no money because of support, he was living in a hovel with no cable, no electricity and no water because of support, that he ate pot pies every night because of support. He was bullshitting me when he said he was NEVER speaking to me again because of the attorney.
Here's how it really went down...
Sparky is EVERY bit the 8th grade romantic he professes to be. SO much so that, despite saying he's completely honest and open with his feelings and emotions and longing to ride on "the love train", despite declaring contempt for anyone who's too afraid to show their feelings, emotions, to let someone in... he's not.
He's afraid. And he kept himself closed to me at the same time he urged me to be open and take chances without thought for being hurt. He didn't admit to me he was feeling exactly what I was...
And side-bar... I'm not really pointing a finger here, I didn't admit it to him, either. I WAS afraid of getting hurt by him even though I truly felt he would never hurt me maliciously. I'd just never felt about someone the way I did with him except Navy. And I had been so crushed by Navy that I KNEW that if Sparky fucked me over, I might end up in a place I haven't been since before counseling. So I kept my belly covered, too.
I was wrong, though. He did hurt me. And he did it maliciously. But I realized in hindsight, of course, that it was like an animal striking out of pain... I hurt him going to talk to The Ex that night. He wouldn't admit it when I finally figured it out. Still hasn't. Probably never will. But I hurt him.
And JUST like the hours after his last phone call, I will always apologize. I truly am sorry I hurt him. It didn't matter to me then, nor does it now, who was right or wrong, I was wrong for not telling him I hated the idea of him giving his number to someone for a date. I was wrong for not giving him the whole of my heart and faith. I was wrong for holding back. He was too. If we had BOTH been honest with each other - and the funny thing is, we were both very open and honest about SO many other things that it's ridiculous and ironic we weren't about our feelings - I don't believe we'd be where we are now. With a year and a half of silence between us.
Well. Not total silence. I went to Richmond by way of WV about a month after everything hit the fan. I waited across from the hospital entrance and attempted to follow him to where ever he was going so I could get down on my knees and apologize. I had a thousand romcom scripted scenes about it in my head. I lost him. I went to both gyms he said he spent time at. Nothing. I went to the library where he surfed the net. Nothing. I drove aimlessly in the direction he'd gone hoping to see him. Nothing. So I went to the restaurant where we'd had the one official date we did and I sent him a text with a picture of a cold beer and the menu and told him I was there and would wait. Nothing. So after a horrid night sleeping in a rest stop parking lot (no hotels when the friggin' PGA is at the Greenbrier), no response to any of the texts I'd sent, I went on to Richmond to my friends'. One of my oldest girlfriends, her husband, another female classmate friend, and a guy friend from the days of my first ex-husband (also a school mate - yes, yes, I knooooow!!)... they all patted me on the back, dried my tears, assured me it would be ok, he'd cool down eventually. We had dinner, I drank, too much, and I tried to forget.
But he never cooled down or broke the silence.
Fast forward to last October, I'm having a Facebook convo with Old Guy Friend from first ex-husband days in the wake of Sparky announcing his engagement on Facebook... everyone checked in to see if I was ok, much to my chagrin because by then I just wanted it to go away... and in the course of the convo Old Guy Friend mentions Sparky sent him an email right after my summer visit. The summer visit when I went to WV to TRY TO SEE HIM and do whatever I could, whatever he'd let me, to make things right, the visit I made despite not having the money to, the visit I made where I spent the night in a rest stop JUST in case he returned my text and said "Ok. Meet me."...
And frankly, the shit Sparky put in that email is just that... shit. It said I was a "SHARK". Said I was hunting for a husband, I'd had 3 and would do anything to make him my 4th, I'd done it with Sparky, then with The Ex, and that there was something so inherently wrong with me that despite 5 hours of sex, I didn't orgasm... and it ended with "She has a nice smile but that's where it ends."
Yeauh. It's all about the attorney. Not a thing to do with me and The Ex.
And even though I've rambled FAR too long now and really shouldn't defend myself... it goes back to that mom-accusing-me thing... I'd told Sparky how I wasn't sure I ever saw myself getting married again, especially after Navy, that it cut too deeply, hurt too much. Neither Sparky NOR Navy had a pot to piss in OR a window to throw it out of. And finally, while I've never been Speedy Gonzalez in the orgasm department (hell, I was 27 before I had my first one!), 20 minutes is average for a woman and I average that +/- 5 minutes and when I came with Sparky he was afraid that despite me putting the pillow on my face my screams might wake his son so he shut all the doors on the boat.
Dammit.
Anyway. It doesn't make me mad any more. I didn't strike out at him maliciously in order to hurt him; he did, me. And yes, it still hurts me some that he wouldn't even give me a chance to say "I'm so very sorry.". I would have honored it if he'd heard me out and still said he didn't want to see me any more. I'd have thought it as unfair as this silence, but I'd have honored it. Because the truth is - we both fucked up. We both protected our underbellies and tried to be "grown up" and "with it", when in fact, we both enjoyed the other's company on many levels and should have damned well each told the other we thought they were great and we'd like to take it deeper.
So anyway, he posted for a while last fall about this new Filipino love, their engagement, his trip to see her, their break up... then accused HER of being evil... which he did his ex wife, his ex girlfriends, me, and now her... and I'm sorry, but we're NOT all evil. Dumb as hell. Some are scheming. But we're not all evil. I fit the dumb as hell group. And the regretful as hell.
If I had it to do again, I'd've talked to him about The Ex wanting to talk. I'd have told him I hated the idea of him giving his number to someone. I'd have told him that every time I'd gone to dinner or bike riding with someone, I was thinking the whole time about how much I wish I were with him and Little Man. But I didn't. And foolish pride fucked me in the drive through again. Fucked him, too, really.
And what's there to do? Pride isn't important. It's just not. It doesn't win friends. It doesn't influence enemies. All it does is leave you negativity and failure. And I failed him by listening, essentially, and putting to practice, EVERYthing he told me in my recovery from Navy. And then not listening to the most important thing he told me. Be open. Let love in. Don't let fear keep you from riding on The Love Train.
That last sign? Lenny at MY neighborhood bar looking right at me?
I was going to ignore him. And did. Until I got up to go to the bathroom and he walked up to me and played stupid.
I can take a LOT of dissemination and bullshit, but DON'T play stupid.
"Don't I know you? Didn't you go to Botetourt?"
I swear to God. I was speechless. A thousand things went through my head. All those things you want to say but don't. All those things you think of 30 seconds too late as you're watching them walk away.
But I DIDN'T fail this time. Like when I told Sparky I was ok with where we were, until I wasn't? I was brave. And for once, properly righteous. I smiled. A look flitted over his face... confusion? I don't know. But I took him by the arm and said "Come..."... and I walked him to the front door of the bar.
"Lenny. While I want to tell you exactly what I think of you, I won't. I know you know who I am. And I know you called Sparky that Monday after I saw you when I was with The Ex."
"Sparky?"
"Yes. Sparky. And you know exactly what I'm talking about." The look changes... nervousness?
"You told Sparky something that wasn't true. Something awful. I don't know what and I don't know why and it really doesn't matter any more... but I know this... whether you thought he was spending too much time with me, or because you were interested and figured you'd torch the two of us for your own benefit... it was ugly and mean-spirited I am so disappointed because I honestly thought we were friends. I'm not angry with you any more - I was. Furious. I'm not now. Take care of yourself."
And I walked away.
And that was the final sign it was time to finish "The Ode".
I miss Sparky. Nearly every day. I so sorely missed him when my granddad died - the only constant man in my whole entire life, who loved me unconditionally and always to his last breath - that it truly made losing my granddad harder. I needed Sparky SO much then.
I needed him again when Navy, as Sparky predicted two years ago, showed up at my door a couple of weeks ago. Wanting to reopen old lines, reach out... and I had to tell him I couldn't. It wasn't ok. I wouldn't. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and all I could think was how much I wished I could talk to Sparky. I like to think he would've been proud that I remembered all the things he told me... that I didn't lessen myself, cheapen who I was, that I for once - heh - had enough self-value to say no.
When I walked away from Lenny, for the first time in my universe I was SUPREMELY proud of how I handled myself.
When I told Navy I wouldn't, I alternately ached for Sparky to be there and felt pride and strength that I said no.
So.
This is the true end of The Ode, it's finally going to bed... and maybe, if I'm very, VERY blessed, one of these days I'll find another Sparky in my universe. Someone who will stand right beside me, hold my hand, walk me through, support me, be my true friend first... and, dare I say it? Love me like I think Sparky may have to some degree.
Because I certainly loved him in a way more pure and deep than anyone since maybe, ironically, I was in grade school.
And, if Sparky ever surfaced again? I'd ask him to forgive me. Not because I did anything malicious or sneaky or dishonest. But because I didn't open up to him first so he would feel he could open up to me. Because I didn't understand. Because I struck back at him out of hurt and anger.
And I'll apologize. Again. For hurting him. Because it doesn't matter whether I knew talking to The Ex would hurt him or not, what matters is, it did, and I was the cause. And I never wanted to do that.
Post script: I was sitting with my 20 month old grandboy last night and in the quiet, holding him on my chest while he slept, I went over this blog in my mind. I went over finally purging it from me. I thought of things I forgot to include, things that were too intricate to include (since it was already a stinking novel), and I thought of Sparky and Little Man on the boat.
My mind keeps going back to one particular night. Little Man was down below and Sparky and I had taken drinks and chairs out onto the dock. We sat facing each other, feet up on the other's chair, sipping and talking quietly in the dark. All kinds of things... music, personal get-to-know history, movies, relationships... and Sparky talked about Chad. His best friend. Gone FAR too soon. And he exposed his underbelly. Just a little. He didn't tell me how it TRULY affected him to lose Chad - a mutual friend of ours told me that some time after the blow up - but he did tell me how close they were, how much he missed him... he said, without saying, how much he loved Chad. And later, when our mutual friend told me how devastated Sparky had been when he lost Chad... how he got rid of all his beloved music, instruments, things he and Chad had shared a love and a passion for... when he told me how Sparky had kind of cocooned and gone completely off grid... I realized. I realized at least part of why Sparky is so fragile and keeps himself protected while urging those around him to be open.
If you don't get close... if you don't invest too much of yourself... if you don't let someone into your heart and mind... if you keep rigid control and then walk away at the least sign of danger...
You don't get hurt. Not as badly as if you invest your whole self, whole heart, whole mind... not as badly as if you get close and let someone get close back.
And I was reminded of that sitting in the dark with the baby on my chest, sleeping quietly, the house silent around me like the dark dock that night.
And I know why Sparky walked away even more than ever before.
THAT is the regret I will live with.
That right or wrong, justified or unjustified, I was the catalyst for him snapping his armour down and in my universe I'd do anything to right that wrong.
Mine was Lenny. Well... and Sparky, too, in a way.
But first, Lenny. First time I saw Lenny was in a grocery store. My reaction when I saw him was so visceral I literally turned on my heel mid-step and walked the other way to keep from saying anything I might regret. Not regret in terms of saying what needed to be said to him, but regret in myself for letting it out and not just walking away and being a bigger, better person.
Next, a couple of weeks later, a new restaurant. That one was easy, it was Friday night, I was meeting a group, plenty of other things to concentrate on.
Less than a week later, another restaurant at lunch. Again, meeting a girlfriend so other things to distract. NP.
Last. And fatal. I walk into a little bar down the road from my apartment the other week to meet another galpal and there he sat. Alone at a table. Facing the door. Looking right at me. That was the straw. The other 3 places were in his stomping grounds and so perhaps not unusual - though I hadn't seen him since the atomic blast that was Sparky, so mayBE unusual - but this last place... well... it's not in his stomping grounds, it's in mine and so many sightings in just a few weeks...
Oh. And Sparky? Well, during the "Time of Lenny Sightings", I got two random emails from Sparky. And right off the bat, it set my pulse into overdrive. I was SO hopeful when I saw that special blue colored "sparky mcphee" name in my in-box. Unfortunately, they were spammy bullshit emails where he'd been trolling something that virused him and sent them. Fail.
Anyway...
I never finished Ode to Your Face because I finally realized I just didn't want to. I started it so I could purge the hurt, confusion, anger, rawness I felt after being napalmed by Sparky. I think I originally probably intended to torch him the way he had me. But the longer I put it off, the less important it felt. The longer it went unaddressed, the less I felt like I needed to. Acceptance? Kind of. And, frankly, I kind of came back around to the mantra that's helped me stay out of clinical depression, lo these last 13 years... I just didn't want to take ME to that negative place... I didn't want to make ME feel shitty and used and stupid and let all that negative energy take me to a place where I lashed out and let it make me feel bad inside.
So I left it.
Then signs.
So here I am.
And here I go. Only now, it's from a very different place.
Sparky and Little Man - after a year of Sparky being such a solid, special, good person to me and coming to feel like he was maybe in my top 2 best friend category (because so far, LDD's always held number one since I've never found that partner who could usurp her) for all the support and guidance and friendship he'd given me since Navy's chaotic, destructive departure, the continued fallout from that, etc. - had come to be so very special to me and I started building my weekends around them whenever Sparky came to town.
Despite the crushing beginning to that New Year when I thought I'd die and would never, ever, EVER recover (my mother used to call me Sarah Bernhardt... I still say I'm not a drama queen. ::ahem:: LOL), went by quickly and quite contentedly.
And then things began to change...
I had always found Sparky attractive; his less-than-youthful physique never bothered me - it was his mind, his spirit... his eyes. LOL! AH-mazing eyes. :) Anyway, I'd always had those "what if" thoughts, even when I was WITH the man I thought was the love of my life. I guess we all do sometimes. But working with him over the months planning our high school alumni party... Facebook chatting... and finally, dancing with him at the party... it always flitted through... what if.
Well... I guess things took a natural progression... what do they call that phenomenon where you feel romantically for someone who's your care-giver...? Whatever the reverse of the Florence Nightingale syndrome is... that's it... I really started to feel very differently about Sparky. I adored spending time with him and Little Man. Just hanging out, watching movies, eating, talking, drinking, spending time... I struggled for some time to find the word to describe how I felt and it came to me as I was blogging Ode to Your Face, Part I... content.
I was, for the very FIRST time in my life, utterly content with where I was and who I was with. I didn't feel a restless need to "have a talk" because I was unhappy or to walk away because I was miserable. Both things I've felt in literally EVERY relationship I've ever had. It was new and amazing and... and now I'm tearing up because I'm mentally wallowing in that feeling's remembrance... new, amazing, and I was deep-down happy for the first time in my life with someone who seemed to have "partner potential". Starting as friends and building? Like the experts and the party of "they", I highly recommend it.
Anyway, a few months after Navy took his departure, I'd started seeing another fellow I'd/we'd gone to school with. He and I even went and spent time with Sparky and Little Man July 4th of that summer. But things with us were progressively getting worse - I found myself feeling unimportant, forgotten, "convenient". So that January, I broke it off.
To be frank, Sparky was a part of that. It wasn't that he was overly attentive or there was some torrid affair going on... it started with a very innocent sleep over. I'd gone to the boat to hang with Sparky and Little Man, we'd had drinks, watched an old movie I'd never watched because I thought it would be too corny (Goodbye Girl - which I totally loved), and it got late and I was tired. Sparky took my hand, took me back to the bedroom, and we lay down and he curled up behind me and we spooned all night, fully clothed, and I slept like a baby feeling more protected and safe than I ever had in my whole life. And though he was a wonderful, good man, it was then I realized then how very dissatisfied and unhappy I was with The Ex. That was December.
Sooooo, Sparky and I carried on together from winter through spring and I was just damned giddy - happier and lighter of spirit than I ever remember being. A lot of first-time-ever's with Sparky. I'll always be grateful for that.
He was seeing people in WV, I was seeing people here, we were seeing each other the couple of times a month he was in. And I told him... this is good... until it isn't. I knew, KNEW, there would come a time when I was attached enough that I wouldn't want either of us seeing other people... and I was right. And being a grown up having been through enough casual relationships, relationships where one is more into it than the other, relationships where the boy was a boy and what was love to me was fucking around to him... I knew that time would come that I'd feel like that and - again with Sparky and a first - for the first time in my life, I wasn't going to be a pussy about speaking up... Sparky gave me that freedom solely from being who he was... with him I was unafraid to speak candidly, and so, for the first time to speak up and say something difficult even when I want to be easy to get along with and not rock the boat was liberating... I was unafraid to say I knew things would probably change and that for that moment I was fine with how casual we were - until emotion got too intense and I wouldn't be.
In the meantime - a very incidental side-bar, though he said otherwise at the time - Sparky was on the scent of getting a child support reduction for his daughter who was set to graduate high school. Since I work for a judge and attorneys do "favors" for us all the time, I set him up with a very good, very respected local attorney who, when his secretary quit, I did all the follow up and file/pleadings chasing for that was required, just so this would be fast tracked for Sparky. Oh. And he did it for Sparky for free.
Fast forward to June. Sparky's child support reduction hearing is set to be heard in juvenile court. We're spending time together while also dating in our respective home areas (even having a conversation one night about how a patient of his had asked for his number to give her daughter and how he'd hesitated but given it to her and "we'll see". I'm listening to this tidbit, wobbling on the line of trying to be "grown up" and realistic and not be white-hot jealous but figure at 3 hours between us, I had to suck it up.
And then it all hits at once.
The Ex gets in contact. Texting at odd times like when I'm on the boat with Sparky. Facebook "Like"ing things. And it bothered me. You see... it's like this...
I can't stand it when people say things they don't mean. If you don't mean it, just shut the fuck up and don't SAY it. Not EVERYthing requires verbal spew.
When I broke it off, it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped...
It was my FIRST time ever breaking up with someone... EVER... and like telling Sparky I was ok for the moment with how we were hanging, I wanted to be grown up, not be a pussy and soft pedal. So I was firm and explained what my problems with us were and said I loved him, which I do, and that I didn't want to walk away angry or lose touch - we were friends first. I thought. But his response was to say he "couldn't have contact" with me any more... he had to "cut off any contact" because it was too hard...
So he gets in ACTUAL contact, texting, we have polite conversation, and he says he'd like to see me, he'd like to talk. Ok. Lets. A direct by-product of having a mother who accused me of anything and everything whether it made sense or not, and punished me accordingly (my step-dad later admitted, long after their divorce, that he abhorred the way she treated me... hinted that it wasn't entirely rational...), is that I can not STAND it when someone misunderstands me or thinks badly of me. I try to please to the point of detriment to myself... a habit I struggle with always. So yes, let's talk.
We get together on a Friday, we go to an after-5 city held "party" to have a few beers, talk, hang... and I see Lenny. Recently back in touch because of the alumni party and Sparky, I race over, give him a big hug and say hi. The Ex in tow. No reason not to if Sparky and I are both seeing other people while we see each other, especially if this wasn't really a "date"...
Except perhaps there was.
You see that's when it officially "all hit at once"...
I had plans to spend the weekend at the boat with Sparky and Little Man the following weekend... Sparky's child support hearing was set for Monday...
The Ex and I go on our way that night, I go home, talk to Sparky on the phone the next day, go to work Monday and *WHAM*!!
I get a phone call from Sparky, positively apoplectic... the attorney had called him at work in WV, at the hospital, in the depths of the nuclear med department, cell reception was shit... told him the child support wasn't going to be as low as he wanted but the rest of the conversation was lost to cell fuzz...
Sparky sounds far too angry for that to be all the problem... attorneys wrangle this stuff outside courtrooms all the time and the attorney I got him was far and away in a higher league than his ex's (NOT the case the FIRST time he went to court with her and was reamed)... but I know he's frustrated and feeling used and financially nuked so I try to soothe him and tell him it's ok, the attorney will make things happen.
And then it happens...
Sparky literally goes from restrained anger to absolute spittle flying, vein popping, incoherent RAGE in .02 seconds...
And then the call drops.
I call back. Voice mail.
I won't bore any further than I already have but I'll say that I called repeatedly. Emailed incessantly. Begged, pleaded, cajoled, reasoned. All to voice mail. I email back and forth with the attorney who says Sparky didn't show (which he said he wouldn't in his meltdown) but that if Sparky will get in touch with him, he'll make it happen - the ex-wife didn't seem to give a shit about the money, she was more pissed that he hauled her to court and then didn't show.
Now the story I'd gotten all along was Sparky said he paid $1K for the two kids and that when he'd switched jobs and his income was reduced he'd never asked for a reduction because he didn't want to take it from the kids. He never had two nickels to rub together and he told stories of poverty living to get by just so the kids were taken care of. At that point, he figured it was finally time for some relief since if one graduates then support should be half... but he REALLY wanted less than that since insurance, he felt, should be figured differently... so there we were.
A few hours after his atomic blast, I get a call that my son has been involved in a car wreck that involved the vehicle he was in, and a CINDER BLOCK WALL HEAD ON.
Now I'm a wreck. I press on. I'm beside myself. I know Sparky's upset, but the figures he's provided the attorney don't match his payroll records so all the attorney needs is something that shows the lower amount Sparky reported... I call repeatedly telling him to get the proof to him so he can fix it.
Guess what? None existed.
Sparky flatly refused any communication from that time on. No matter how much I apologized, begged, pleaded, or cajoled. Ignored it when I finally got pissed because he put up a snarky blog saying it was all because of the attorney and how I'd fucked him over setting him up WITH that attorney. Ignored it when I spent the anger and returned to apology for hurting him.
And now I'll, far too late, cut to the chase...
These are the things I've figured out in retrospect.
Initially, I suspected Lenny had burned up the phone to Sparky about seeing The Ex and I but when he went nuclear and blamed it all on the attorney, I doubted myself... no one ever knows what will make someone that angry, reasonable or not. But every time I doubt myself in a relationship, I ALWAYS find out I'm right...
This time is no exception. This is what I've finally surmised after a lot of facts and information coming to light over the last year and a half...
Sparky was bullshitting me when he said he'd been out on dates since we'd been spending time in flagrante delicto. He was bullshitting me when he said the woman had asked for his number to give her daughter. He was bullshitting me when he said he had no money because of support, he was living in a hovel with no cable, no electricity and no water because of support, that he ate pot pies every night because of support. He was bullshitting me when he said he was NEVER speaking to me again because of the attorney.
Here's how it really went down...
Sparky is EVERY bit the 8th grade romantic he professes to be. SO much so that, despite saying he's completely honest and open with his feelings and emotions and longing to ride on "the love train", despite declaring contempt for anyone who's too afraid to show their feelings, emotions, to let someone in... he's not.
He's afraid. And he kept himself closed to me at the same time he urged me to be open and take chances without thought for being hurt. He didn't admit to me he was feeling exactly what I was...
And side-bar... I'm not really pointing a finger here, I didn't admit it to him, either. I WAS afraid of getting hurt by him even though I truly felt he would never hurt me maliciously. I'd just never felt about someone the way I did with him except Navy. And I had been so crushed by Navy that I KNEW that if Sparky fucked me over, I might end up in a place I haven't been since before counseling. So I kept my belly covered, too.
I was wrong, though. He did hurt me. And he did it maliciously. But I realized in hindsight, of course, that it was like an animal striking out of pain... I hurt him going to talk to The Ex that night. He wouldn't admit it when I finally figured it out. Still hasn't. Probably never will. But I hurt him.
And JUST like the hours after his last phone call, I will always apologize. I truly am sorry I hurt him. It didn't matter to me then, nor does it now, who was right or wrong, I was wrong for not telling him I hated the idea of him giving his number to someone for a date. I was wrong for not giving him the whole of my heart and faith. I was wrong for holding back. He was too. If we had BOTH been honest with each other - and the funny thing is, we were both very open and honest about SO many other things that it's ridiculous and ironic we weren't about our feelings - I don't believe we'd be where we are now. With a year and a half of silence between us.
Well. Not total silence. I went to Richmond by way of WV about a month after everything hit the fan. I waited across from the hospital entrance and attempted to follow him to where ever he was going so I could get down on my knees and apologize. I had a thousand romcom scripted scenes about it in my head. I lost him. I went to both gyms he said he spent time at. Nothing. I went to the library where he surfed the net. Nothing. I drove aimlessly in the direction he'd gone hoping to see him. Nothing. So I went to the restaurant where we'd had the one official date we did and I sent him a text with a picture of a cold beer and the menu and told him I was there and would wait. Nothing. So after a horrid night sleeping in a rest stop parking lot (no hotels when the friggin' PGA is at the Greenbrier), no response to any of the texts I'd sent, I went on to Richmond to my friends'. One of my oldest girlfriends, her husband, another female classmate friend, and a guy friend from the days of my first ex-husband (also a school mate - yes, yes, I knooooow!!)... they all patted me on the back, dried my tears, assured me it would be ok, he'd cool down eventually. We had dinner, I drank, too much, and I tried to forget.
But he never cooled down or broke the silence.
Fast forward to last October, I'm having a Facebook convo with Old Guy Friend from first ex-husband days in the wake of Sparky announcing his engagement on Facebook... everyone checked in to see if I was ok, much to my chagrin because by then I just wanted it to go away... and in the course of the convo Old Guy Friend mentions Sparky sent him an email right after my summer visit. The summer visit when I went to WV to TRY TO SEE HIM and do whatever I could, whatever he'd let me, to make things right, the visit I made despite not having the money to, the visit I made where I spent the night in a rest stop JUST in case he returned my text and said "Ok. Meet me."...
And frankly, the shit Sparky put in that email is just that... shit. It said I was a "SHARK". Said I was hunting for a husband, I'd had 3 and would do anything to make him my 4th, I'd done it with Sparky, then with The Ex, and that there was something so inherently wrong with me that despite 5 hours of sex, I didn't orgasm... and it ended with "She has a nice smile but that's where it ends."
Yeauh. It's all about the attorney. Not a thing to do with me and The Ex.
And even though I've rambled FAR too long now and really shouldn't defend myself... it goes back to that mom-accusing-me thing... I'd told Sparky how I wasn't sure I ever saw myself getting married again, especially after Navy, that it cut too deeply, hurt too much. Neither Sparky NOR Navy had a pot to piss in OR a window to throw it out of. And finally, while I've never been Speedy Gonzalez in the orgasm department (hell, I was 27 before I had my first one!), 20 minutes is average for a woman and I average that +/- 5 minutes and when I came with Sparky he was afraid that despite me putting the pillow on my face my screams might wake his son so he shut all the doors on the boat.
Dammit.
Anyway. It doesn't make me mad any more. I didn't strike out at him maliciously in order to hurt him; he did, me. And yes, it still hurts me some that he wouldn't even give me a chance to say "I'm so very sorry.". I would have honored it if he'd heard me out and still said he didn't want to see me any more. I'd have thought it as unfair as this silence, but I'd have honored it. Because the truth is - we both fucked up. We both protected our underbellies and tried to be "grown up" and "with it", when in fact, we both enjoyed the other's company on many levels and should have damned well each told the other we thought they were great and we'd like to take it deeper.
So anyway, he posted for a while last fall about this new Filipino love, their engagement, his trip to see her, their break up... then accused HER of being evil... which he did his ex wife, his ex girlfriends, me, and now her... and I'm sorry, but we're NOT all evil. Dumb as hell. Some are scheming. But we're not all evil. I fit the dumb as hell group. And the regretful as hell.
If I had it to do again, I'd've talked to him about The Ex wanting to talk. I'd have told him I hated the idea of him giving his number to someone. I'd have told him that every time I'd gone to dinner or bike riding with someone, I was thinking the whole time about how much I wish I were with him and Little Man. But I didn't. And foolish pride fucked me in the drive through again. Fucked him, too, really.
And what's there to do? Pride isn't important. It's just not. It doesn't win friends. It doesn't influence enemies. All it does is leave you negativity and failure. And I failed him by listening, essentially, and putting to practice, EVERYthing he told me in my recovery from Navy. And then not listening to the most important thing he told me. Be open. Let love in. Don't let fear keep you from riding on The Love Train.
That last sign? Lenny at MY neighborhood bar looking right at me?
I was going to ignore him. And did. Until I got up to go to the bathroom and he walked up to me and played stupid.
I can take a LOT of dissemination and bullshit, but DON'T play stupid.
"Don't I know you? Didn't you go to Botetourt?"
I swear to God. I was speechless. A thousand things went through my head. All those things you want to say but don't. All those things you think of 30 seconds too late as you're watching them walk away.
But I DIDN'T fail this time. Like when I told Sparky I was ok with where we were, until I wasn't? I was brave. And for once, properly righteous. I smiled. A look flitted over his face... confusion? I don't know. But I took him by the arm and said "Come..."... and I walked him to the front door of the bar.
"Lenny. While I want to tell you exactly what I think of you, I won't. I know you know who I am. And I know you called Sparky that Monday after I saw you when I was with The Ex."
"Sparky?"
"Yes. Sparky. And you know exactly what I'm talking about." The look changes... nervousness?
"You told Sparky something that wasn't true. Something awful. I don't know what and I don't know why and it really doesn't matter any more... but I know this... whether you thought he was spending too much time with me, or because you were interested and figured you'd torch the two of us for your own benefit... it was ugly and mean-spirited I am so disappointed because I honestly thought we were friends. I'm not angry with you any more - I was. Furious. I'm not now. Take care of yourself."
And I walked away.
And that was the final sign it was time to finish "The Ode".
I miss Sparky. Nearly every day. I so sorely missed him when my granddad died - the only constant man in my whole entire life, who loved me unconditionally and always to his last breath - that it truly made losing my granddad harder. I needed Sparky SO much then.
I needed him again when Navy, as Sparky predicted two years ago, showed up at my door a couple of weeks ago. Wanting to reopen old lines, reach out... and I had to tell him I couldn't. It wasn't ok. I wouldn't. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and all I could think was how much I wished I could talk to Sparky. I like to think he would've been proud that I remembered all the things he told me... that I didn't lessen myself, cheapen who I was, that I for once - heh - had enough self-value to say no.
When I walked away from Lenny, for the first time in my universe I was SUPREMELY proud of how I handled myself.
When I told Navy I wouldn't, I alternately ached for Sparky to be there and felt pride and strength that I said no.
So.
This is the true end of The Ode, it's finally going to bed... and maybe, if I'm very, VERY blessed, one of these days I'll find another Sparky in my universe. Someone who will stand right beside me, hold my hand, walk me through, support me, be my true friend first... and, dare I say it? Love me like I think Sparky may have to some degree.
Because I certainly loved him in a way more pure and deep than anyone since maybe, ironically, I was in grade school.
And, if Sparky ever surfaced again? I'd ask him to forgive me. Not because I did anything malicious or sneaky or dishonest. But because I didn't open up to him first so he would feel he could open up to me. Because I didn't understand. Because I struck back at him out of hurt and anger.
And I'll apologize. Again. For hurting him. Because it doesn't matter whether I knew talking to The Ex would hurt him or not, what matters is, it did, and I was the cause. And I never wanted to do that.
Post script: I was sitting with my 20 month old grandboy last night and in the quiet, holding him on my chest while he slept, I went over this blog in my mind. I went over finally purging it from me. I thought of things I forgot to include, things that were too intricate to include (since it was already a stinking novel), and I thought of Sparky and Little Man on the boat.
My mind keeps going back to one particular night. Little Man was down below and Sparky and I had taken drinks and chairs out onto the dock. We sat facing each other, feet up on the other's chair, sipping and talking quietly in the dark. All kinds of things... music, personal get-to-know history, movies, relationships... and Sparky talked about Chad. His best friend. Gone FAR too soon. And he exposed his underbelly. Just a little. He didn't tell me how it TRULY affected him to lose Chad - a mutual friend of ours told me that some time after the blow up - but he did tell me how close they were, how much he missed him... he said, without saying, how much he loved Chad. And later, when our mutual friend told me how devastated Sparky had been when he lost Chad... how he got rid of all his beloved music, instruments, things he and Chad had shared a love and a passion for... when he told me how Sparky had kind of cocooned and gone completely off grid... I realized. I realized at least part of why Sparky is so fragile and keeps himself protected while urging those around him to be open.
If you don't get close... if you don't invest too much of yourself... if you don't let someone into your heart and mind... if you keep rigid control and then walk away at the least sign of danger...
You don't get hurt. Not as badly as if you invest your whole self, whole heart, whole mind... not as badly as if you get close and let someone get close back.
And I was reminded of that sitting in the dark with the baby on my chest, sleeping quietly, the house silent around me like the dark dock that night.
And I know why Sparky walked away even more than ever before.
THAT is the regret I will live with.
That right or wrong, justified or unjustified, I was the catalyst for him snapping his armour down and in my universe I'd do anything to right that wrong.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Arthur Atwood Welch ~ Born October 29, 1922, Departed September 8, 2012
Arthur
Atwood Welch, My Baba, resident of Westminster-Canterbury, Winchester, and
formerly of Purcellville, VA, passed away on September 8, 2012. He was a little more than a month shy of his
90th birthday. Funny, it
seems like just a few years ago we attended his 80th birthday where
he had his single malt scotch and his beloved filet mignon and we - my mother, me, sister (brother was in China then I believe), grandkids, etc. - toasted him.
How
things change. When he died, none of my family was there save me, my son and my granddad's nephew from Michigan. My mother, my sister, my brother, his wife or kids. There are reasons and that's fine. What broke something in me...? That other than a cursory, gee we're sorry, not one of them said another word to me about it. Despite knowing what affect his death had on me, despite knowing what affect the last 8 years had on me, despite knowing - whatever they felt for him - that I had NO one else.
That's life, I guess. And I'll get over it. I just hate the hard place in my heart about it all.
But it "ain't about me." It's about my grandfather. The only constant man in my life; the only father/father figure always there, always loving no matter what.
Dr.
Welch was born October 29, 1922 in Middletown, NY and graduated Middletown High
School in 1940. He served in the United
States Army, Anti-Aircraft, from December 1942 to March 1946, where he was
Fire-Control Electrician, Range Section NCO in charge. He attended Army Ground Forces Control
Electrical School in Chicago, and Anti Aircraft Fire-Control School at Camp
Davis, NC; mastering theory, use and maintenance of the Sperry mechanical
director, the Bell electronic director, data transmission systems, remote
control systems for guns, and wire communications.
Dr.
Welch received his BSEE from Union College in Schenectady, NY in 1950 and went
on to work as an engineer for Sperry Gyroscope (Sperry Piedmont) Company, then
as an editor at McGraw-Hill Book Company until 1963.
He
survived his first wife, the former Marjorie Head, my Gramma, whom he was
married to for over 40 years. He is
survived by his present wife, the former Gladys May, whom he married in 1992
and who is a resident of Westminster-Canterbury, Winchester. He had two at bats and somehow managed to
hit it out of the ball park both times.
We should all be that extraordinarily fortunate.
He
obtained a Masters Degree in Education from the University of Virginia in 1964;
taught high school mathematics and physics at Albemarle High School and was
awarded a lifetime membership in the National Congress of Parents and Teachers,
the highest honor bestowed by the National Congress.
He
moved from Charlottesville in 1966 to serve as principal for Warren County High
School, was president of Lane PTA in Charlottesville where he had lived since
1956, was a member of Phi Delta Kappa professional education fraternity, and
acted as an educational consultant on school desegregation in Virginia
Dr.
Welch was appointed director of instruction for the Loudoun County Public
Schools in Virginia in 1970, published a monograph on student activism in
secondary schools and colleges and papers on administration of secondary
schools and student activities in desegregated schools.
He
was awarded a doctorate of education degree from the University of Virginia in
1970 and continued to enjoy a long and prominent career in the field of
education, retiring from the Loudon County School Board. He and my Gramma traveled the U.S. after
that until her death from kidney failure on March 31, 1992.
He
is survived by his brother, Robert E. Welch of Traverse City, MI, me, his
granddaughter, a great-grandson and great-granddaughter, 3 great-great
grandsons, and long-time friends, Dick and Shirley Mann of
Westminster-Canterbury.
We
buried him on a beautiful, sunny, Tuesday in Hillwood Cemetary, Purcellville,
VA, next to my Gramma.
I
feel lost. But they have been
found.
Return and Ramble
Great googly moogly, it's been 7 months since I've been able to come back here! There's been SO much happening... and so much staying the same... and, frankly, I just didn't want to come back here until I could address the end with Sparky.
But I've decided I'll get out of my system some of the stuff that's been log-jamming behind that and then perhaps THAT jam will break loose.
So.
But I've decided I'll get out of my system some of the stuff that's been log-jamming behind that and then perhaps THAT jam will break loose.
So.
Things:
I hate my job. HATE it. Hate it every day I wake. Hate it as I drive to work. Hate it as I work. LOVE it when I'm leaving. It's a recent development, the last 8ish months, but I'm bored and I hate my job. The flip side is that I'm loathe to look for something else... for a few reasons...
1) I like the connections I have and the benefits they bring and they have served me, my friends and my family well on more than one occasion when it comes to legal needs. I leave, I lose.
2) In this economy, it may well be next to impossible to find a new job. Although, being a circuit court judge's assistant (read "glorified secretary") would open doors the average person might not have in this field. There's a mystery and magic to anyone outside chambers about the people in chambers, including we secretaries, that gives us entre to doors we're probably not even qualified to open, much less walk through. Yes, it is stupid, dumb luck I am where I am. I was in the right place, but it definitely wasn't the wrong time.
3) My age. Let's face it. I'm older, slower, and less technologically savvy in some areas than younger people.
So. I stay put, hoping, at least for now, that it's a passing phase and I'll return to just being bored and not hating what I'm doing.
Things Changing:
I studied for my personal trainer certification, took the exam, did the practical, passed both without re-takes and I am now a certified personal trainer. That was agony that probably deserved its own blog but suffice to say that I studied for months and still felt unprepared. But that might be the age thing again - after all, in my younger years I'd study for half an hour, if at all, and still ace an exam. Well. Maybe not ace. Pass. heheheh
I certified through Boot Camp Challenge to be a Boot Camp Challenge trainer. I'd been a participant for over a year and a half, spent 6 months or more "shadowing" to learn, now it's time to make some money doing what I do every day anyway. Lead up to certification for this was much less difficult and traumatic than for p.t. cert., but it was back-to-back weekends with it and the actual exam and practical for this were equally grueling... but NOW I get to be the mommy and boss people around and yell at them and get PAID! WooHOO!
More Things Changing:
Li'l Sarge (which is such a ridiculous moniker if you could see his sweet, funny, TOTALLY muscle-bound self!), an air traffic controller, and his wife, our Sarge, after getting Boot Camp Challenge off the ground and really thriving, have moved to NoVa. This wasn't planned and the decision was a long, agonized process. BCC was doing well and Sarge had such big plans for it that it was a serious consideration to stay here and Li'l Sarge just continue on at Roanoke Regional "where ATC's go to retire". But in the end, the offer was too good to turn down and now Sarge has simply readjusted her focus and vision. The area they're in has all encompassing communities with a variety of areas for physical activity - walking trails, parks, etc. - and she see's taking BCC to them. The result is that me and MeliMo, Aus-taaaan, and Morganna (once she's gotten certified) are left holding the Roanoke area bag. A beautiful thing in a lot of respects (full classes without the initial effort at growth Sarge had to put in), but with a lot of unanswered questions that initially left me not willing to commit to starting my own camp even though I had a location lined up.
And therein lies my problem... follow through. The going's tough and confusing and complex and I have a million questions and what if I have to take the 'Noke a.m. class and what if the location I have lined up doesn't work out and what if I can't grow my camps, and what if the new licensing fucks our private launches, what if, what if. :(
Things staying the same:
After Sparky I was gun-shy for quite a while. Heh. Sorry, let me rephrase... after my entire ex- line-up I'm gun-shy and Sparky didn't help. But for the first time in the 9 years since I was divorced, I actually feel less averse to the possibility that maybe there will be someone I'll want to share my life with full time again some day. I don't know that I'll ever want to get married again... that hasn't changed in the last 9 years... I just think I could, if I found the right person, someone I "click" with - and I have found someone I click with, but only time will tell whether that will amount to more than it is - I think I could be persuaded that living in the same space and sharing a direction together might not be as traumatic as the years with Navy made me feel like it would be.
I dated an extraordinary fellow, a corporate pilot for a locally based national company, for a time after breaking up with Navy the first time, and I liked him. Things went south when Navy came screaming back and I broke it off with Pilot. Navy was living hand to mouth on his Navy pension (which had been drastically reduced when he was caught fraternizing with a junior in his command) and a good paying job - yes, hand to mouth on good paying job plus pension. Don't ask me how, I was raised not talking about money and income and bills so I never asked but I do know he always spent money like he had a never ending supply. So. Then there was Pilot who made a HANDSOME salary (as evidenced by the bicycle he "picked up" with some of his Christmas bonus... he "picked up" a friggin' TREK bicycle ("Lance Armstrong only rides TREK, you know!") for a few THOUSAND dollars. THOUSAND. FEW of them.
Sidebar: I know people make money like that. I know people make MORE than that. I know how they live and the things they indulge in, etc., and though I've always paid my own way in a very frugal manner, I tend to have impeccable taste so I like niiiice things...
But Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Anyway, Navy came screaming back, hinted at suicide, and I went back. He must love me. Right? ::sigh:: Yes, they come dumber, but not much.
I felt lucky that after the shit hit the fan, Pilot returned. He wanted to stay friends, he re-friended me on FB, we had "dutch" dinner together from time to time and chatted forever each time. After Sparky blew his gasket and after a summer of me feeling very averse to being around anything bearing a penis, Pilot and I started to go to dinner more often and it was nice having him as my friend. Pay attention to that foreshadowing - this is where I should have noticed the impending derailment. It was humming along like that for 6ish months, dinner, hanging out, conversation... until it wasn't. We were making plans for a rain-checked dinner and he literally out of the blue said "I want more than this! Good luck."
::blinkblink::
What the FUCK?!
Another sidebar: Ok, Navy and I used to have heated arguments about the fact that men and women cannot/can be friends with no sexual/romantic interest. He's a guy, I should listen to him, he'd say. No, no, I'd say, I know men and women can be friends; some of my dearest friends are males. Yep. Now I know.
Navy was right. Shit.
So anyway.
At this point, I've got one full camp under my belt and the initial overwhelming scramble and confusion is past. Things are winding down at work on my year of coordinating the court docket. My private life is quiet and comfortable. And my kids and grandboys are ok. A lot of change while a lot stayed the same... and, in my universe, that's a lot to be thankful for.
::blinkblink::
What the FUCK?!
Another sidebar: Ok, Navy and I used to have heated arguments about the fact that men and women cannot/can be friends with no sexual/romantic interest. He's a guy, I should listen to him, he'd say. No, no, I'd say, I know men and women can be friends; some of my dearest friends are males. Yep. Now I know.
Navy was right. Shit.
So anyway.
At this point, I've got one full camp under my belt and the initial overwhelming scramble and confusion is past. Things are winding down at work on my year of coordinating the court docket. My private life is quiet and comfortable. And my kids and grandboys are ok. A lot of change while a lot stayed the same... and, in my universe, that's a lot to be thankful for.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Good Woman Found
"I, as usual, find myself back in the doubt-arena, questioning myself, wondering, in the face of that information if I am truly "a good woman"?
Or whether I'm really black and twisted inside, without conscience, lacking in empathy or even a basic understanding of what's good and right and I just don't know it...?"
And, as usual, with a little time and a lot of love from the circle I call Friends, I know the answer. I'm a good woman. Not black, twisted, without conscience, non-empathetic or not understanding of good and right.
I do make stupid moves. Don't always handle things well. Need to learn to admit when I'm wrong and apologize if I am or if I've caused hurt.
And you know, I do that.
And I know that what you do comes back to you - this is one of the BIGGEST truths I know.
I knew it when I was 20 and my now-ex-husband was a jerk & wouldn't help support his daughter, nor have anything to do with her, stole my car in the middle of the night so I couldn't get to work or take our daughter to the babysitter, and later took up with my best friend within months of our separation.
He has no relationship to speak of now with our daughter and I can tell you exactly who won't be helping change his diapers when he's in need.
I knew it when I was 24 and the guy I was hot and bothered over totally denied any involvement when I found out I was pregnant.
My Friends stood by me and cut him out of their lives.
I knew it when I was fired by my new boss for supposedly calling him in the middle of the night over an on-call issue (which is exactly what I was supposed to do given he's the boss) when I actually hadn't and when HIS boss said the reason for my "departure" was "inappropriate email access" - citing emails between me and a fellow I was crushing on; although just prior to that two of the supervisors in the next department had called me in one day to laugh and comment about a Mediterranean woman's naked/explicitly posed photo circulating the office and weren't fired. (The new boss was a "women shouldn't work in this field, you should be behind the desk answering phones - I fought tooth and nail for every piece of my job he took away that his predecessor had encouraged me to take on, only to... well, I already said it... get fired.)
They were left feeling about THIIIIIS small when I saw them in a restaurant a few months later, sent them drinks and stood back, smiling in neutral good humor, until they came to thank me. And the department they cut me from? My boss boozed all night, slept at his desk, ran the department into the ground, and was eventually fired by his boss. Who later had to admit I'd run things well and tightly and their billing had never been back in the black after I left.
Ultimately, I know I'm a good woman because what's come back to me, and continues to, is the love of people who know who I am and who have warmly and lovingly given me succor in the wake of something that actually touched me more deeply than losing Navy, the fellow I'd loved since I was 15. They've gathered around me, told me things I never knew that explained a lot of what I was dealing with, and they've encouraged me to leave it behind.
What I know won't come back to me is the loss of family or Friends because we don't see eye to eye; that we will continue to love and be a part of each other's lives because sometimes the web that makes up the population of people in our lives is bigger than tangible things or hurt feelings; that the support and encouragement of people who care what happens to us trumps the smaller stuff.
And I know that while I may be lonely sometimes, I will never be alone... that there is ALWAYS someone on the other end of the phone I can rely on if I really need a pat on the back or a piggy back ride through the rough stuff... and I can soooo live with that.
Finally, for those of you who care enough to continue to ask, and respect enough not to push... I'll get to the rest of the "Ode" eventually. It's part of me that, while it only bubbles to the surface now and then, I don't want to put to paper while there's even a minute shard of me that wants to be ugly about it.
Because in my universe, while I'm BIG on forgiving, I'm not so great at forgetting... and sometimes, when you piss me off, my bff-forever-training (and SHE's hell on wheels) kicks in and it's probably best not to be around if it does.
Because in my universe, while I'm BIG on forgiving, I'm not so great at forgetting... and sometimes, when you piss me off, my bff-forever-training (and SHE's hell on wheels) kicks in and it's probably best not to be around if it does.
Love each and every one of you few who're here... that never goes away.
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