Return and Ramble

Great googly moogly, it's been 7 months since I've been able to come back here!  There's been SO much happening...  and so much staying the same...  and, frankly, I just didn't want to come back here until I could address the end with Sparky.

But I've decided I'll get out of my system some of the stuff that's been log-jamming behind that and then perhaps THAT jam will break loose.

So. 

Things:  

I hate my job.  HATE it.  Hate it every day I wake.  Hate it as I drive to work.  Hate it as I work.  LOVE it when I'm leaving.  It's a recent development, the last 8ish months, but I'm bored and I hate my job.  The flip side is that I'm loathe to look for something else...  for a few reasons...

1)  I like the connections I have and the benefits they bring and they have served me, my friends and my family well on more than one occasion when it comes to legal needs.  I leave, I lose.

2)  In this economy, it may well be next to impossible to find a new job.  Although, being a circuit court judge's assistant (read "glorified secretary") would open doors the average person might not have in this field.  There's a mystery and magic to anyone outside chambers about the people in chambers, including we secretaries, that gives us entre to doors we're probably not even qualified to open, much less walk through.  Yes, it is stupid, dumb luck I am where I am.  I was in the right place, but it definitely wasn't the wrong time.

3)  My age.  Let's face it.  I'm older, slower, and less technologically savvy in some areas than younger people.

So.  I stay put, hoping, at least for now, that it's a passing phase and I'll return to just being bored and not hating what I'm doing.

Things Changing:

I studied for my personal trainer certification, took the exam, did the practical, passed both without re-takes and I am now a certified personal trainer.  That was agony that probably deserved its own blog but suffice to say that I studied for months and still felt unprepared.  But that might be the age thing again - after all, in my younger years I'd study for half an hour, if at all, and still ace an exam.  Well.  Maybe not ace.  Pass.  heheheh

I certified through Boot Camp Challenge to be a Boot Camp Challenge trainer.  I'd been a participant for over a year and a half, spent 6 months or more "shadowing" to learn, now it's time to make some money doing what I do every day anyway.  Lead up to certification for this was much less difficult and traumatic than for p.t. cert., but it was back-to-back weekends with it and the actual exam and practical for this were equally grueling...  but NOW I get to be the mommy and boss people around and yell at them and get PAID!  WooHOO! 

More Things Changing:

Li'l Sarge (which is such a ridiculous moniker if you could see his sweet, funny, TOTALLY muscle-bound self!), an air traffic controller, and his wife, our Sarge, after getting Boot Camp Challenge off the ground and really thriving, have moved to NoVa.  This wasn't planned and the decision was a long, agonized process.  BCC was doing well and Sarge had such big plans for it that it was a serious consideration to stay here and Li'l Sarge just continue on at Roanoke Regional "where ATC's go to retire".  But in the end, the offer was too good to turn down and now Sarge has simply readjusted her focus and vision.  The area they're in has all encompassing communities with a variety of areas for physical activity - walking trails, parks, etc. - and she see's taking BCC to them.  The result is that me and MeliMo, Aus-taaaan, and Morganna (once she's gotten certified) are left holding the Roanoke area bag.  A beautiful thing in a lot of respects (full classes without the initial effort at growth Sarge had to put in), but with a lot of unanswered questions that initially left me not willing to commit to starting my own camp even though I had a location lined up.

And therein lies my problem...  follow through.  The going's tough and confusing and complex and I have a million questions and what if I have to take the 'Noke a.m. class and what if the location I have lined up doesn't work out and what if I can't grow my camps, and what if the new licensing fucks our private launches, what if, what if.  :(

Things staying the same:

After Sparky I was gun-shy for quite a while.  Heh.  Sorry, let me rephrase...  after my entire ex- line-up I'm gun-shy and Sparky didn't help.  But for the first time in the 9 years since I was divorced, I actually feel less averse to the possibility that maybe there will be someone I'll want to share my life with full time again some day.  I don't know that I'll ever want to get married again...  that hasn't changed in the last 9 years...  I just think I could, if I found the right person, someone I "click" with - and I have found someone I click with, but only time will tell whether that will amount to more than it is - I think I could be persuaded that living in the same space and sharing a direction together might not be as traumatic as the years with Navy made me feel like it would be.

I dated an extraordinary fellow, a corporate pilot for a locally based national company, for a time after breaking up with Navy the first time, and I liked him.  Things went south when Navy came screaming back and I broke it off with Pilot.  Navy was living hand to mouth on his Navy pension (which had been drastically reduced when he was caught fraternizing with a junior in his command) and a good paying job - yes, hand to mouth on good paying job plus pension.  Don't ask me how, I was raised not talking about money and income and bills so I never asked but I do know he always spent money like he had a never ending supply.  So.  Then there was Pilot who made a HANDSOME salary (as evidenced by the bicycle he "picked up" with some of his Christmas bonus...  he "picked up" a friggin' TREK bicycle ("Lance Armstrong only rides TREK, you know!") for a few THOUSAND dollars.  THOUSAND.  FEW of them.

Sidebar:  I know people make money like that.  I know people make MORE than that.  I know how they live and the things they indulge in, etc., and though I've always paid my own way in a very frugal manner, I tend to have impeccable taste so I like niiiice things...  

But Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Anyway, Navy came screaming back, hinted at suicide, and I went back.  He must love me.  Right?  ::sigh::  Yes, they come dumber, but not much.

I felt lucky that after the shit hit the fan, Pilot returned.  He wanted to stay friends, he re-friended me on FB, we had "dutch" dinner together from time to time and chatted forever each time.  After Sparky blew his gasket and after a summer of me feeling very averse to being around anything bearing a penis, Pilot and I started to go to dinner more often and it was nice having him as my friend.  Pay attention to that foreshadowing - this is where I should have noticed the impending derailment.  It was humming along like that for 6ish months, dinner, hanging out, conversation...  until it wasn't.  We were making plans for a rain-checked dinner and he literally out of the blue said "I want more than this!  Good luck."

::blinkblink::

What the FUCK?!

Another sidebar:  Ok, Navy and I used to have heated arguments about the fact that men and women cannot/can be friends with no sexual/romantic interest.  He's a guy, I should listen to him, he'd say.  No, no, I'd say, I know men and women can be friends; some of my dearest friends are males.  Yep.  Now I know.

Navy was right.  Shit.

So anyway.

At this point, I've got one full camp under my belt and the initial overwhelming scramble and confusion is past.  Things are winding down at work on my year of coordinating the court docket.  My private life is quiet and comfortable.  And my kids and grandboys are ok.  A lot of change while a lot stayed the same...  and, in my universe, that's a lot to be thankful for.